


Guarding the Prince

by Supfish



Category: Original Work
Genre: Eproctophilia, Fantasy, Farting, Gas Kink, Gassy Guy, LGBT, M/M, Magic, Male fart, Romance, Scat, Scat Fetish, Slow Burn, fart kink, farting fetish, male scat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-01
Updated: 2020-08-01
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:00:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 32,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25652491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Supfish/pseuds/Supfish
Summary: Logan's new task is guarding the third prince of the realm: Kaiden, a man gifted with magicked bowels. The enchantment lets Kaiden produce magical fertilizer that is a source of wealth for the realm, as well as making him chronically flatulent. But Kaiden doesn't let it bother him, and neither does Logan, as he learns to care for the willful prince.Originally posted on DA
Comments: 19
Kudos: 90





	1. First meeting

Logan headed down the castle hallway, his fellow guards at his side. Their boots rang loud on the stone. He kept his head held high, ignoring the lingering memory of the chuckles and taunts of his one-time peers from the barracks. 

“Lucky you. Three feasts a day!” 

“No wars for you, Logan. Just cushions and baths, so I’ve heard. And lots of farms.” 

“Have fun spreading manure.” 

Logan’s face heated at the memory. He told himself the taunts from his old training partners were just jealousy. He would be a prince’s guard, one of the most coveted jobs in the kingdom. 

Even if it meant no danger. Even if it meant wasting his talents. Even if it meant isolation from every other soldier and guard in the castle. 

The three royal guards-to-be stopped at the entranceway to the throne room. Logan took a breath, preparing himself to meet his new charge. 

Even if it meant emptying overfull chamber pots for the cursed, flatulent prince. 

He wasn’t supposed to think that way. It wasn’t a curse, no matter the stories. It was a blessing. The third prince of the king’s bloodline was always gifted with producing the finest quality…manure, in the entire land. One chamber pot full of the stuff would guarantee an entire field would be fertile for a year. The country of Decidim had gotten its fortune from it, and each generation had ensured the King or Queen would produce at least three sons so the blessing would continue. 

Logan geared up his resolve. For him, it was an honor. They trusted him to protect the prince, the third blessed son, bringer of the country’s wealth. And he would do it. 

The throne room doors swung open, and for the first time, Logan laid his eyes on the Queen and her three sons, the princes of the realm. And the one on the third throne was the one he would be sworn to protect, marked with magic like every third son, with white hair and pale eyes. He would be 21 years old now, if Logan’s math was correct. 

Few people saw him. No trainees would be permitted to. From the talk of the feasts he ate every day to fill his gifted bowels, Logan had expected him to be soft and fat.

The young man on the throne was most definitely neither of those things. He wore a light blue dress shirt and a purple cape that hugged muscular shoulders, and a golden belt fitted snug pants around a trim waist. Judging from his lounging posture on the throne, he would probably be taller than Logan if he was standing. A golden tiara gleamed from his close-cropped white hair. 

Maybe there was a mistake. No flatulent man who was said to produce livestock’s worth of dung could be this attractive. 

“Come inside,” the queen commanded, and her personal foot soldiers hit the red-carpeted hall with the butts of their lances. Logan and the two others hurried forward. 

“We will make this quick,” the queen said. “Come further, Sir Reginald.” 

The guard to Logan’s left took one step forward. 

A man in a suit jacket next to the queen’s throne announced in a piping voice. “Sir Reginald will guard the heir, Prince Theo!” It made sense. Reginald was by far the most talented. 

“Do you, sir Reginald, swear to remain by your Prince’s side, attend to his needs in service to the country, defend him in battle, and lay down your life for him?” 

“At your command, my queen,” Reginald said. 

“Then I command it.” 

The room fell silent. Then the wizard raised his hand. Reginald sucked in a breath. Logan’s heart pounded, but Reginald showed no ill effects from the spell. 

“Take your place, sir Reginald,” the queen said. “And defend Prince Theo.” Reginald moved to stand beside the oldest Prince. 

Sir Boreas went next, guarding the second prince, Pallax, and then it was Logan’s turn. He looked up to see the third prince staring at him, those pale eyes smoldering. 

He almost missed the command to step forward. 

Then his attention was on his queen, and then the wizard as the stout middle-aged muttered the spell. Logan stood up straighter as fatigue he didn’t know was there lifted from his body. 

Until his duty was complete, either by his death or the Prince releasing him from his service, he would never need sleep again. 

“Take your place, Sir Logan,” the queen said. “And go to defend your prince.” 

With those words, the ceremony was over. Logan walked on steady legs to his new charge. 

As soon as he got close, the prince shifted in his seat, gritting his teeth. His pale eyes tracked his mother, the queen, as she left the room, trailed by her entourage and the wizard. 

“Finally,” the prince said, and his well-muscled body tightened. 

Logan startled as the sound of ripping cloth filled the room, and it took him a moment to figure out what was happening. 

The prince was farting. 

Prince Kaiden kept his gaze fixed ahead, a look of concentration in his eyes as he leaned over enough to allow the gas to leave his body. He breathed steadily, punctuated by grunts as he pushed out the fart, which thrummed on and on, deafeningly loud. His stomach went taut, then loosened, then went taut again as the sound of his gas swelled. 

He was still farting when his two brothers left with their new guards. He lifted a leg, the fart changing in timbre from a rattling, old trumpet to a well-oiled tuba. The air around the prince seemed to shimmer with the force and sheer volume of gas the man was emitting. Logan wished he could hold his breath long enough, but the prince just kept farting. Not even a pearl diver could hold their breath that long. 

He took in air, the sound of his breath completely drowned out by the prince’s expulsions. He expected a rotten stink, and got nothing. 

What in the…? 

The fart finally ended with a sputtering blast and a long groan from the prince. He slumped against the throne. 

“By the flames, I needed that.” He took in a few breaths, then belched loudly. “That too.” He sighed a few times, then met Logan’s eyes. “My mother’s foolish ceremonies are the only times I’ll ever bother trying to hold it in.” 

Logan didn’t know to respond. The rumors, at least some of them, were apparently true. 

Kaiden stood from his throne, then leaned over, squatting down enough to put his hands on his knees. He loudly broke wind once again despite all the time he had just spent venting his bowels. A silk tapestry that lay across the back of the fancy chair blew in his forced gust. Then he straightened, heading down the stone steps and toward the door before Logan could react. 

He stopped, looking back over his shoulder. “What are you waiting for, Sir…guard. Your name was…?” 

“Logan.” The prince’s earth-shattering farts still rang in his ears. “Sir Logan.” 

“Right. Well, c’mon then. Or did the wizard remove your brain along with your sense of smell?” 

Logan blinked mysteriously watering eyes. That explained a lot.


	2. First feast

Logan stared at the tapestries, then back at the gilded doors, and then at the enormous four poster bed bedecked with purple silk curtains and deep red silk sheets. The room was twice the size of the entire barracks. Enormous windows looked out over the capital city, replete with spiraling brick walls and houses that looked like children’s toys from the height of the palace. 

He had been told to expect luxury while guarding the prince, but this was something else. 

He also couldn’t miss the collection of chamber pots in one corner. There were ten of them, each a solid wooden brown, and each one twice the size of any other chamber pot he had ever seen. 

Prince Kaiden himself sat on his bed, rubbing his stomach. The walk here through the castle hallways had been punctuated with at least two dozen windy farts, and from the way the prince shifted on the bed every few minutes, he was likely letting out more, if silently. 

“So,” the prince finally spoke up. “I’ve been told to treat you like another piece of furniture, but I’m not as cold-hearted as my brother. Plus its distracting the way you keep staring.” 

“I…I’m sorry, your highness. I’m just not used to—“ 

“You’re a guard, aren’t you? You…hnng!” The prince grunted and passed an enormous fart, the sheets beneath him rippling. “You must have at least toured the palace, right?” 

“No. My training was focused on the martial arts.” Logan brushed the hilt of his sword. “I go where you go, so I wasn’t expected to learn the layout beyond what I would need to know for security.” 

“Mindless, then, like all the other guards.” Logan frowned, but the prince didn’t seem to notice, opting to sigh and stand up. Then he paused. He bent over, his stomach tensing, and the faintest hiss told Logan he was passing more gas. It went on for a while, and the prince talked over it. “Well, you’d better follow me. I’ll be taking my lunch in the solar today.” He didn’t move, though, the hissing continuing. Logan waited. 

And waited. 

The prince’s jaw tightened, then he grunted. “Hrrrgh…” The hiss turned into a full-on ripping fart as the prince’s stomach went taut, and he bent over further, putting his hands on his knees. The sound crescendoed, then finally stopped. 

“I’m bloated already and I have to eat more. They’d better have prepared my cake.” Kaiden stood up, tilting his head imperiously. “Come on then. I know you can’t smell it, but don’t pass out on me.” 

“I…I won’t, your highness.” Logan wondered if that had ever happened. 

“Just Kaiden.” 

“Yes…Kaiden.” 

The prince—no, Kaiden—was hard to read. In some ways, he was as regal and commanding as Logan would expect from a prince. He walked down the hall with a straight back and his head held high, a man who had the blood of royalty. He spoke with a snapped authority at a serving maid who passed by. 

But in other ways, he seemed quite normal. Logan had been told that royalty was used to guards and servants, and he knew Kaiden must have had a personal guard before him. Despite that, Kaiden was very aware of him, his pale eyes often meeting Logan’s. Of course, maybe Kaiden was just evaluating Logan’s abilities. 

And then, of course…there was the farting. Logan had expected it. It was the third prince, after all. But he hadn’t realized it would happen, well….constantly. 

Midway down the lushly carpeted hall the prince began to fart with each step, and Logan counted. Ten. Twenty. Twenty-four…and finally the prince stopped, putting a hand against the wall and leaning over to force the rest out in one rushing, loud, raucous gust. 

“Let’s continue,” he said after he finished, nodding to Logan. He was red-faced, Logan noted. Was it because he was embarrassed? Or was it just the effort of passing so much gas at once? 

Logan made a mental note to learn more about Kaiden. He would be guarding him, after all. He wanted Kaiden to be comfortable around him too. Although, maybe the farting meant he was already comfortable.

At least without a sense of smell, the farting really wasn’t so bad. He would have to thank the court wizard. 

They turned the corner and came upon the doors to the solar, which seemingly swung open of their own accord. It took Logan a moment to realize that two servants had pushed them open as the prince approached. Logan should take lessons, he thought—he was a guard, not a servant, but he needed to be less conspicuous. Maybe then Kaiden would stop looking over his shoulder at him. 

Upon seeing the room, Logan’s worries about the prince vanished in a growl of sudden hunger. 

The room was filled with light, the windows open and letting in a refreshing breeze. An enormous steak, dripping juice, took up the center of the table. Fluffy mashed potatoes filled the bowl next to it, along with three stalks of leafy green celery that decorated the bowl. Butter shone on a loaf of bread, and jam lay in a decanter on the table. Clots of cream floated atop a pitcher of something, perhaps milk. Finally, an entire cake took up the end of the table. 

“Your lunch, my prince.” The chef, standing at the entranceway, bowed.

Logan almost wished he had his sense of smell back before Kaiden broke wind cacophonously next to him. 

“Well,” the prince said. “Make yourself comfortable, sir Logan. I have to eat.” 

He didn’t sound all that excited. 

***

The food Kaiden was eating would feed a family for a week. It would feed the barracks, full of hungry aspiring soldiers, for days. Logan watched along with the chef, who’s name Logan wished he knew, as the prince gorged himself. 

Kaiden ate it all with no expression, and even some distaste. By the time he got to the cake, he wrinkled his nose, chewing each bite slowly and working to swallow it. 

Logan kept his own expression neutral, even while he marveled at both the amount of food Kaiden ate and inwardly fumed at the unfairness of it all. Yes, he was the third prince. But all of this? It was absurd. There were people starving in the city below. Logan’s own family…

He fled from the thought. His work as a guard would benefit them, his mother and sister both. And he had the highest paying job a guard could hope for. 

Kaiden grunted, then farted audibly, a weak sputtering that went on for what seemed like minutes and resounded against his chair. He belched at the same time, and put down his fork, leaning back in his chair and massaging his stomach. 

“I’m…UuuUUuRP…full,” he said, his voice almost a whine. His stomach rippled, and he groaned. 

“Keep eating. There is cake left.” Logan blinked at the chef. Who was he to command the prince?

But Kaiden obeyed, lifting the fork once again. He spread his legs, shifting his weight and passing more gas even as he chewed. 

“It is for the realm, my prince,” the chef said. 

“You say that every…ugh…day…URP…Hngng… urgh….” 

Kaiden let loose with the loudest fart yet, this one rumbling out of him without his even having to move or bear down. It was so loud Logan wanted to cover his ears, and the silverware rattled on the table. Kaiden leaned forward as if overwhelmed by his own wind, resting his forehead on one hand, passing so much gas that the cape he wore blew up in the breeze. 

Next to him, the chef covered his nose, his face turning an interesting shade of puce. “I envy you, sir guard,” he said. Or at least, Logan thought he said it. He couldn’t hear much over the sound of Kaiden’s protesting bowels. 

When it ended, Kaiden slumped. He belched loudly, and with half-sigh half-groan, took another bite. 

“Good, my prince,” the chef spoke through gags on what was clearly a horrific smell. “Just a little more.” 

The last bites of cake were taken as though the prince was eating poison. By the end, his hand shook. But ultimately, the table lay clean, every bite eaten by one man. 

After the last bite, Kaiden rested his head on the table itself, his tiara falling off onto the floor. Kaiden made no move to pick it up.

Logan couldn’t blame him. He wasn’t entirely sure how the prince was alive after consuming so much food. Or how he wasn’t enormously fat. 

“He will rest a little now,” the chef whispered. 

“For how long? I am…new at this,” Logan said. 

The chef smiled. “Perhaps you should talk to his previous guard at some point, if you can get ahold of him. There is a lot expected of you when you work with the third prince.” 

Logan eyed the prince, who truly did seem to have fallen asleep. He too wished he could talk with his predecessor. The sleepless spell could only be used for ten years at most before it had to be removed, and its removal usually resulted in intense fatigue. He likely wouldn’t get the chance for at least a few weeks, when the guard recovered. 

“I had assumed that guarding him would be easier than the other two,” Logan said. The oldest prince traveled constantly in his diplomatic duties, and the second was expected to lead the kingdom’s armies. In comparison, guarding a man whose jobs consisted of eating and defecating shouldn’t require any risk at all. 

“Easier in terms of risking your life, perhaps,” the chef said. “But you’re dealing with a man with magicked bowels. You’re…oh, my.” He waved a hand in front of his face, and Logan had to assume that Kaiden was still passing gas, even in his sleep. “Perhaps I shouldn’t have put in quite that much butter. But yes. Helping the prince and monitoring what he, ah, leaves behind, is expected of you. Lucky for you he’s immune to poison, but you’d be surprised what people will try to get their hands on the magical manure. Or even the prince himself. He’s a prime kidnapping target.” 

The news probably should have scared him. But he was a soldier, a guard. “I relish that challenge,” Logan said. “I won’t let it happen.” 

“Of course. All guards say that.” The chef smiled, though it turned into a grimace when another loud rumbling filled the room, the prince the obvious source. 

Logan had to ask. “Is that…normal?” 

The chef laughed. “Of course. Its when it stops that you have to worry. Be ready to get him to his room when he wakes. He will likely need to have an enormous movement, especially after this morning’s breakfast.” 

Logan’s eyes widened. “What?” 

Before the chef could answer, the prince shifted in his seat and groaned, and the room was filled once more with the sound of overwhelming flatulence. The prince picked his head up, still farting, and belched at the same time. 

“Damn you Coles,” the prince said, gasping once the sound had died away. “What did you put in the cake?” 

“Extra butter,” the chef answered. Coles. Logan would remember the name. “After this morning I thought I would put in something to make the next movement easier.” 

“Damn you, my stomach…” a strangle gurgling noise filled the room, and the prince groaned. “I’m too bloated to move.” He punctuated the statement with another long, windy fart that trailed off into a continuous hiss.

“You say that every time, my prince,” Coles said. Logan wondered if Kaiden had ever asked this man to call him by his first name. 

“Logan, help me up.” Logan crossed the room in a quick stride, noting that the air around the prince felt warmer. His eyes burned, too, but at least he couldn’t smell whatever he was producing. 

Kaiden groaned and belched, the hissing noise from his rear never stopping. Logan knelt and let Kaiden put his arm around his shoulders, then stood, staggering slightly at the weight of the other man. Kaiden was all tight muscle. 

The prince leaned against Logan, and he could feel the rippling and tensing of the other man’s muscles before Kaiden let loose again, the noise absolutely deafening at this range. Kaiden gripped him for support as he farted, and Logan bent his knees to let the other man squat enough to push out the gas. 

“Damn…oh….nnnggh…lower,” Kaiden said, and Kaiden sucked in a breath as Logan knelt further. Then he tensed more, his stomach going flat, and the sound grew even louder, Kaiden giving himself completely over to his uncontrollable flatulence. The sound grew and rose in volume, dying down only to start up again, something that might be one long fart or several farts in a row with nearly no break. Logan almost though it was over when the last fart began to quiet, turning into another hiss, and then had to fight to stay upright when Kaiden lifted his leg. The sound grew deafening again, Logan supporting nearly all of Kaiden’s weight. 

It ended abruptly, the sound cut off, and then Kaiden belched, three windy exhalations. Logan waited, his knees beginning to ache. 

How had he gone from training to guard a prince’s life to…this? 

“Thank you. I can stand now.” The prince put his leg down, and Logan released him. Kaiden put his chin up, standing as though he hadn’t just filled the room with gas. The chef was gone—probably having escaped whatever smell there was. 

“Come. I need to get back to my quarters.” The prince sighed, then rubbed his stomach. “I’m going to need to go very soon.” Logan almost asked where he was going to go before the prince added, “We may need extra chamber pots.” 

Oh. Right.


	3. Logan's Choice

The prince lounged on his bed, dressed in a silk shirt and pants, having taken off most of his accouterments. “So, tell me about yourself,” Kaiden said. 

Logan hadn’t expected that. 

In his training, he had focused on two things. The first, obviously, was combat. How to use his sword, how to look for danger, how to disarm an opponent, and how to keep his charge alive. That was the most important. 

The other was focusing on the fact that his life was disposable. He was a guard. He had no opinions. He had no rights. His purpose was to protect his charge, his own comfort be damned. 

So when Kaiden stared at him expecting a conversation, Logan wasn’t sure how to respond. 

“Well?” The prince raised an eyebrow, then shifted and farted loudly. He gasped, pushing himself up one arm, then laid back down. “Not yet, I guess.” 

Logan took the opportunity to change the subject. “Are you well, my prince?” 

Kaiden smirked. “Now you ask that?” 

“…Should I not have?” 

“God you’re humorless. I guess they told you what to expect this time?” 

Logan blinked, then shook his head. “I don’t know what you mean.” 

“I mean…. One moment. This will be loud.” And it was. The prince grunted, a quiet moan leaving him, before his fart made the curtains on his bed blow back and forth. He slumped afterward, laying flat on his back on the bed, spreading his legs more, wiggling his hips, and then farted again. And then again. And then again, his face reddening. He began to massage his own stomach, long windy farts ripping out of him as he did. 

“Damnit, I need to go!” he groaned between blasts. 

Logans shoulders twitched, and he found himself frowning. He didn’t know the prince well. He certainly wasn’t sure how to react to his gas. And most discussions of it, from his old peers and from rumours in the streets, was that it was laughable, the prince shitting like an animal and supplying the realm with a means for its income. The prince, too, seemed to benefit in some ways, like the feast he had just eaten. 

But right now, on his back and at the complete mercy of his bowels, the prince—Kaiden--was obviously suffering. 

“Can I help?” Logan asked, moving closer and out of the way of the bed curtains, which blew toward him in another fart from the prince. 

“You…” The prince eyed him as if he wanted to refuse, and then groaned as his bowels gurgled. “Yes. Massage my stomach. Really push down. I need to…” He was interrupted by another enormous fart, and this time he lifted both legs, as if trying to squat while lying down. 

Logan knew better than to disobey a command. He put both hands on the prince’s stomach, privately marveling at how muscular it was. 

“Massage it, don’t tickle it, damnit!” Kaiden snapped. The muscles beneath his hands went taut as the room filled with the sound of flatulence once again. When Logan pushed, the sound grew louder, and gas erupted from the other end, Kaiden belching in accompaniment. 

“Good,” he said after a series of loud burps, his rear still releasing. “Keep….oh, yeah.” The farting grew louder as Logan kneaded the other man’s stomach, quickly finding the rhythm. Whenever he pushed down, the gas grew windier, almost deeper, as if funneling from somewhere in the depths of the prince’s bowels. It was clearly more satisfying, too, as the prince relaxed beneath his touch. 

“They always tell me I should relax and just let it flow rather than fight it or force it,” Kaiden said. “But damnit, I just want it out.” 

“The gas?” Logan asked. 

“Of course the gas,” the prince snapped, then winced. Logan knuckled his stomach, and the fart grew windier again. “I always have to fart, so badly. But sometimes, I get those moments where I’ve pushed it all out, and the next one hasn’t begun yet, or isn’t too overwhelming. Those are nice.” His face reddened slightly as he said it, and his gaze slid away from Logan’s. “Push harder,” he said, his voice commanding again. 

Logan pushed down, putting real muscle into it this time. The fart grew deafening…then stopped. 

Logan gasped beneath his hand. “Finally. Oh, I have to go!” 

Logan jumped back as Kaiden scrambled to his feet. He stood, taking a step toward the chamber pots, and then froze. 

His body shuddered, and he slowly fell into a squat, his face going red and his body tensing, his legs shaking. His stomach rippled, and he pulled down his pants with shaking hands. 

“Ch-chamber pot,” he managed. “NOW!” 

It was when Logan saw a turd as thick as two men’s fists begin to emerge from the Prince’s tightly muscled rear that he acted. He grabbed one of the wooden chamber pots and angled it into position, and the prince sank onto it, his head bowed. 

“Oh, god…finally,” he said, his voice strained. Crackling sounds came from beneath him, and his legs and stomach tightened with every breath as he began a much-needed bowel movement. 

Logan turned to face the door to give him privacy.

“What are you looking at?” The prince said after a loud grunt. Something huge thudded into the chamber pot. “Talk to me, damnit. I’m bored here.” 

Logan blinked and turned back to the sight of his prince defecating enormously, his thigh muscles quaking as another loud thud came from the pot. “I’m sorry, my prince. What would you like to talk about?” 

“About….Urrghgg…” The prince began to stand, just enough to see the enormous thick turd that was still coiling out of him, and the fact that the chamber pot below him was filled completely. “I need another.” 

Logan guessed his task. He grabbed another chamber pot, then waited. There had to be a break, right? He needed to switch them.

“I…” The prince’s legs shook. “I can’t stop.” The turd coiled around the top of the chamber pot, forming a pile that stuck out of the top. “Damnit…oh, be quick…here it comes.” 

The turd, probably two feet long, finally broke, and Logan pushed the first pot out of the way with a foot and slammed the second beneath the prince just as another turd domed out of him. Kaiden sat back down, gasping in what could be relief or could be frustration. 

“Thank you,” he managed. His gut churned, and he belched seven times in a row, each one louder than the last. “I’m sorry.” 

Logan blinked. That was the first time he had heard the prince apologize for anything. “There’s no need for apologies.” 

“I’m guessing this isn’t the task you wanted.” After he finished speaking, he groaned, leaning forward and putting his elbows on his knees. He began to strain, his face pinking, and the crackling noise beneath him grew louder. “Ugh, I feel just as full as before.” 

Logan didn’t know how to respond to either statement. He waited while the prince’s toes curled into the carpet as he pushed out monstrous turd after turd, filling the second chamberpot. This time Logan didn’t need to be told when Kaiden filled the pot, and the transition to the third one went more smoothly. Then the fourth. Then the fifth. 

Kaiden blew out a breath, gasping, and began straining hard in the middle of the fifth. “Damnit,” he said, and began rubbing his stomach. “Hnngg…” His face began to redden, his thighs and stomach as hard as iron. Then an explosive fart filled the room. 

“Oh, that felt good.” Kaiden huffed, leaning forward again. “Ah, here we go. Ah. Hah.” More thuds sounded from the chamber pot. “Now I’m starting to feel better.” 

He had to ask. “Do you often feel….ill?” Logan asked. 

Kaiden narrowed his eyes. “You ignored my last question, so I’ll ignore yours and ask it again. Was guarding me the task you wanted?” 

Logan fought to keep his expression neutral. How was he supposed to answer this? Every guard wanted glory, a charge to protect and chances to show off their skills. Logan was more humble than some of his peers, but deep in the back of his mind, he had wanted the same. “I can’t say it was,” he finally said. 

Kaiden stared at him, grunting softly under his breath in time with the noise his turds made as they slowly filled the chamber pot beneath him. He belched loudly, once. “At least you’re honest,” he said. “That’s something.” 

Logan wished he knew what to say. “I intend to do my best, whatever my task entails,” he said. 

“Of course you will. YouuuuUUUUUUURRRP. Ugh.” The prince sighed and grunted, straining again, and another rumbling fart filled the room. This one went on for nearly a minute, the prince’s jaw tightening in annoyance at the sound of his own bowels. When it died away, he added, “If I didn’t think you would, I would dismiss you before your time was up.” 

Cold water splashed through Logan’s veins. Dismissed? He had heard of such things, but he couldn’t imagine it. Giving up on a job, or failing to keep it…his family would be disappointed. “Please don’t,” he said. 

Kaiden’s eyes widened. Then he laughed, a shocked, fake laugh, his loud guffaws interrupted every so often with a belch. “You’re serious?” he said. 

“Of course,” Logan said. “I want to work!” 

“You know, every other guard I’ve had would jump at the chance. One of them even begged me to dismiss him. He didn’t want to deal with my bowels anymore.” Logan read the pain, the betrayal, in the prince’s eyes as he said it. “So if you want to give it up and go back to the barracks, or be assigned to the border, now’s your chance. No more of my gas or manure. You’re a guard, a man trained to fight and to protect the realm. I’m not stupid. I know no one wants the job of protecting the farting prince. So quit. Take this opportunity. Just say so, and I’ll dismiss you so you can get some real recognition.” He began to fart again, and it sputtered out into more crackling as he passed another turd. “You going to take your chance, Logan?” 

Logan sucked in a breath. This felt like a test. 

No, this was no test. This was Kaiden, his prince, giving him the choice he hadn’t been given when he had been assigned. Protect Kaiden, and deal with constant farting and management of manure while he was holed up in the castle with little to do. Or say the word, get Kaiden to dismiss him, and start again, working to protect the realm in other ways. 

To others, maybe, it was a hard decision. But Logan was nothing if not loyal. His dreams could still come true, one day. He wasn’t going to throw away what he had been given. Magicked bowels or not, unpredictable tasks or not, Logan had his job. 

“No,” Logan said. The prince’s eyebrows rose. “I will keep guarding you unless you want to dismiss me on your own. I am a loyal soldier, and you are my prince.” 

Kaiden’s face slowly broke into a smile. “Good,” he said. “Now, get me another chamber pot.”

***  
By the time Kaiden had finally completely emptied his bowels, he had filled 8 chamber pots. A group of maids had come in to remove them, leaving Logan and Kaiden alone while Kaiden recovered from what was clearly a tiring ordeal. He lay on his bed once again, on his side. Every few minutes he lifted a leg and loudly passed gas, each fart a quick rip of about five seconds. 

“I don’t feel ill all the time,” Kaiden said. 

“Oh?” 

“Your question. About if I feel sick a lot. I don’t.” Kaiden turned over onto his stomach, arching his back a little to fart. His face reddened. “I don’t feel sick. Gas pains, sure, and I feel full and nearly…explosive, when I have to move my bowels. But not sick. So don’t pity me.” He farted again, a long hissing noise. “Sometimes it even feels good right after I go.” 

“I’m glad.” Logan put aside his training. If Kaiden wanted to talk, he could talk. “How do you go so much, anyway? The magic…” he trailed off. The doings of wizards were beyond him. 

“Anything that enters my system is multiplied,” Kaiden said. “And that affects what leaves it, too. The amount of shit I produce is more than what I eat. And when the manure is spread, it affects the growth of the plantlife, too, and fields produce vast amounts of crops.” He shrugged, then belched. “I serve the realm in my own way.” 

“I’m sure others honor you for it.” 

Kaiden snorted. “Don’t give me that. Sure, they do. But…” he arched his back again, cutting a long fart that lasted nearly ten seconds. “But they also would prefer not to be around me. That spell that took away your sense of smell is hard to cast, and most don’t want it. I know I reek when I fart, and I fart all the time. I get respect. I am owed respect.” He nodded. “But I know damn well that many laugh at me behind my back. Don’t even try to deny it.” 

Logan didn’t. “If it makes you feel any better, the guards make fun of Prince Theo’s taste in clothes. I heard rumors that he wears bright yellow silks all the time, even during sparring practice. They say he wears yellow to hide his urine because he’s so afraid of swords.” 

Kaiden blinked. Then he laughed, a more natural sounding, genuine laugh than before. It made Logan happy to hear. “You know what? That does make me feel better. I bet it’s also true. I’ll be sure to tell him next time we spar.” 

“You train?” Logan asked. 

“Of course. We all do. Not with you lowly guards, of course, but with a weapons master. What, you think the farting prince doesn’t know the importance of self defense?” Kaiden raised one eyebrow. “I do more than eat and shit all day. And since you’re my guard, you’ll have to be there for all of it.” 

Logan smiled. Maybe this job wouldn’t be quite so boring after all. “I will be, my prince.” 

“Good,” Kaiden said. “You look nice when you smile. Do it more often.”


	4. The Party

Kaiden farted in his sleep. 

Logan knew that shouldn’t surprise him. Every five minutes or so, the silence of the dark room would be split asunder by a rumbling fart that rippled the sheets, or even fluttered the curtains if it was forceful enough. One fart lasted nearly two minutes, getting louder and louder until Logan was sure Kaiden would wake. But somehow, he didn’t. That Logan was surprised by. Then again, Kaiden was probably used to the sounds his rear produced. 

Logan didn’t need sleep due to the spell, and he almost missed it. He was a guard, and would do his job. But standing in a dark room while his charge slept was rather boring. He took to counting the seconds in between Kaiden’s farts, but that was only entertaining for about twenty-five in a row, and it didn’t fill as much time as Logan would have liked. 

He practiced with his sword for a while, letting the motions of his body guide him when he couldn’t see in the dark room. The moon traveled across the blackness and left the west window, but finally the sky outside began to lighten. Surely Kaiden would wake soon. 

Logan wondered what they would do today. There would be food, of course, and Kaiden may have to empty his bowels before or afterward—or maybe both. But Kaiden had mentioned training, so perhaps they would do that. 

Soon enough, the sun began to shine into the room, but Kaiden didn’t stir. He shifted once, but only to release another burst of gas. Logan went back to waiting, anxious to begin the day. 

The constant noise of Kaiden’s flatulence made it hard to hear the light knock on the door. Logan crossed the dark room, opening the heavy door as soon as another roaring fart from Kaiden died down. 

Logan immediately stood at attention. Prince Pallax, the second prince, strode through the door without waiting for an invitation. His guard followed, nodding once briefly at Logan. 

“Kaiden, get…” Pallax’s nose wrinkled, and he glared at Logan for a moment. “Open the window.” 

Logan hurried to the windows, pausing for a moment before fumbling with the latch. Soon enough, cool air from outside flowed into the room. 

“What…” Kaiden finally woke, and he blinked bleary eyes at Logan. “That’s cold, close the—”

“Sleeping in again?” Pallax said with a snort. 

Kaiden whipped his head around, then let out a groan of disgust when he saw his older brother. He tensed, then let loose with a loud fart, the sheets over his body rippling. “What are you doing here?” Kaiden asked. “I thought you were going out hunting.” 

“Change of plans. Lord Elsten is coming tonight, and Theo has decided to throw a party for him.” Pallax’s voice dripped scorn. “You know what that means.”

When Pallax had first come in, Logan thought that perhaps the two brothers didn’t get along. Now, though, as Kaiden groaned again and slumped against his pillows, it was clear that it was the situation that had Pallax annoyed, not Kaiden, and Kaiden had recognized something unpleasant was happening if Pallax was here this early. “Its for Lila’s benefit, isn’t it? Theo wants her hand.” 

“And we have to be there. I’d rather be anywhere else,” Pallax said. 

“I’d rather be…” Kaiden glanced at the chamber pots in the corner. “Shitting.” 

“You’re always shitting.” 

“And its more fun than Theo’s damn parties.” Kaiden put a hand in front of his mouth and belched. It didn’t do much to muffle the sound. “Why doesn’t he just give up and let Mother set up his marriage?” 

“He wants to marry someone he likes,” Pallax said. “I just don’t think he realizes no one likes him back for anything but his position as the heir.” Logan winced. He almost felt badly for Theo. “Besides, you know Elsten. We have to be there as much for him as for Theo, plus all of the nobility from the capital will want to vie for status.” 

Kaiden grunted, then shifted his weight on the bed, clearly silently passing more gas. “I know. What time does this party start?” 

“After lunch. It will be in the great hall.” 

“Great.” Kaiden hadn’t moved, still sitting at a strange angle. “I can renew my commitment to keep Elsten’s lands fertile, as well as any other nobles who want to talk to me, which is the only reason I ever go to these things. I should just stop going.” 

“You know mother, and Theo, doesn’t want you to become a hermit. And at least you’re not expected to stay long, and not expected to tour each and every Marquis’ lands and armies once per year.” Pallax rolled his eyes. “I hate traveling, and I hate every single Marquis. They’re all ancient and convinced we’re going to be attacked by countries that trade with us. I wish I was third.” 

Kaiden laughed. “Believe me, you don’t. At least highborn ladies stay near you.” 

“There’s always men.” Logan blinked. He hadn’t known Kaiden was open to that. 

“Men are just as disgusted as anyone else.” Kaiden relaxed, and a soft sound Logan hadn’t realized was coming from the prince suddenly stopped. “I suppose I’ll see you in the afternoon.” 

“And perhaps we can go hunting tomorrow,” Pallax said. “The dogs run faster to get away from you.” 

Kaiden tossed a pillow across the room at his brother, and Pallax laughed as he left. Logan shut the door behind him, deliberating for a moment before picking up the pillow. 

“Damnit,” Kaiden said as Logan set the pillow down next to his head. The prince sat up and tossed the covers aside, knocking the pillow back onto the floor and revealing his well-muscled legs. “That will ruin my entire day.” He grumbled while he hunted for clothes. “A morning of being outfitted in uncomfortable clothes that I can’t get off fast enough to shit. A whole afternoon of going out to the balcony when I have to fart and being expected to excuse myself when I inevitably disgust some too-proper Lord who thinks he’s due more respect than I am. And watching all of them fight for my brothers’ favor…it makes me want to puke.” 

“It can’t be so bad,” Logan said. “You can talk to your brother at the party, at least.” He was pleased to see that Kaiden got along with Pallax. That was one less thing to worry about when it came to protecting him, and it made him glad to see Kaiden happy. “There’ll be music and dancing too, will there not?”

Kaiden smirked at him and raised an eyebrow. “You’ve never been to a party like this. It’s all posturing and…” he grunted, then doubled over and farted so loudly the windows rattled. “Ugh, that one took me by surprise. But it amounts to about the same conversation you’ll hear at the party. Trust me.”

***  
“Keep still, please, your highness,” the tailor said. “This will be the height of fashion.” 

Kaiden stood, his legs spread, while an old man and his two younger assistants outfitted him in the most complex clothing Logan had ever seen. The shirt wrapped around his body rather than being put over his head, and was fastened in the back with a double array of buttons. He wore a cloak over it pinned with a diamond and a chain that sparkled along his arms and kept the folds of the cloak intact. A tiara sat in his hair that also sparkled with diamonds, and now the tailor was helping Kaiden into a pair of tight pants that looked to be made of silk.

Kaiden had already emptied his bowels after lunch in an hour long session, and they had very little time to get to the party. Thankfully, Logan wasn’t expected to dress in anything other than the armor he usually wore to guard the prince. One of the assistants, a young man, had looked like he wanted to polish it, but soon enough their attention was all on Kaiden. 

“Hurry up,” Kaiden said. “If you’d just let me put these on myself…” 

“They must fit exactly, and while I know your measurements you’re very bloated today,” the tailor said through a pin his mouth. “That makes this harder than usual.”

“I’m always bloated,” Kaiden snapped. “I’m going to be bloated at the party. And I’m about to fart in your assistant’s face if he doesn’t move.” The man took the hint, and as soon as he did Kaiden bent over and let it out. With only his underclothes on, Logan could see how his ass practically vibrated with the force of his farting. 

He stayed bent over, closing his eyes and farting again and again. “Damnit, if I have to shit again in these clothes…” he clenched his teeth and pushed, his stomach and legs taut, and ripped a fart for nearly a minute. As soon as it ended, he took a deep breath and pushed out another windy gust. “Ugh, I can’t stop. My guts are cramping.” 

Logan moved closer. “You have time, Kaiden. Don’t worry.” 

“I’m not worried.” Kaiden met his eyes, then shuddered as he began to fart again, this one even louder and longer than the last. “I’m just going to reek before I even get there,” he said when it was over, his voice breathless. He stared at the tailor as if daring him to react, but the man stayed expressionless and professional. 

“Why not use perfume?” Logan suggested. Kaiden’s eyes narrowed, and Logan wasn’t sure if that was a good sign or not. “Or, don’t worry about it at all,” Logan added. “You’re the prince, not me.” 

Kaiden smiled for a moment before it turned into a grimace as he farted again. He did straighten after this one, though, and nodded to the tailor. “Alright, I think that was the last for a bit. Hurry up, then.” 

The tailor managed to finish the ensemble before Kaiden succumbed to any more flatulence. Once the tailor’s fussing was complete, the prince stood prepared to socialize, dressed in complicated blue and white robes and silks that matched his eyes and hair. The pants were tight around his muscular legs, and accentuated his shapely butt, which became obvious when the cloak fluttered and revealed it. Logan had to admit, he was gorgeous.

But he couldn’t think that way about his prince. He had to protect him, not fantasize. “You look nice,” was all he said. 

“Of course I do,” Kaiden said with a smirk. “That’s what happens when someone spends over an hour primping you. Now let’s get this over with. Thank you.” Logan wasn’t sure if he was thanking him for the compliment or the tailor for his work. 

They left the prince’s room, Logan glad to be moving and not simply standing. He heard voices and laughter coming from somewhere down the hall, and he kept his hand on his sword. One could never be too careful, and there were probably lots of strangers in the castle today. 

“I hate these pants,” Kaiden whispered. “They’re too tight. And I’m worried I might have to go again.” He put his hand on his stomach. “I shouldn’t have eaten so much at lunch.” 

Kaiden having to move his bowels in complicated pants that took two people to put on would probably be a disaster. “We can go back,” Logan said. “It’s up to you.” 

Kaiden’s jaw tightened, and he paused for a moment. Then he belched under his breath and farted at the same time. “No, I’m alright for now,” he said when he finished. He kept walking, and Logan followed. 

The sound of talking grew louder, and soon enough they arrived at two enormous double doors, gilded and polished to a gleam. Two serving men dressed in white bowed to Kaiden, then pulled them open, revealing the great hall. A man peered at them both, and then turned, pitching his voice loud. “The third prince, his highness Kaiden Decidim, bringer of the realm’s wealth!” 

Logan froze, his brain scrambling to process everything. The room itself was enormous, larger than Logan’s entire house in the third quarter of the city below. The walls were covered in tapestries depicting men and women, dogs and horses, and nature scenes. Paintings were fitted in between, and every window was enormous and perfectly clear. A chandelier sparkled with candles overhead, and an enormous fireplace heated the room. 

The room, too, was filled with people, men in clothes almost as fine as Kaiden’s and women in even more elaborate dresses and hats. Logan counted more jewels and pearls than he had ever seen before in his life. And everyone in the room was staring at them. 

This is what it meant to guard a prince.

“Keep it together, Logan,” Kaiden muttered under his breath, and then strode into the room, a plaster smile on his face. Logan followed on shaky legs. 

Men and women all around them greeted the Prince, and as he passed he got bows and curtsies. Kaiden nodded at everyone, keeping a smile on his face, and finally stopped when an older man came up to him. 

Kaiden! A pleasure.” The man wore a monocle and furs. “Can you speak with your mother about the lands to the north? The winters have been cold this year, and…” 

“Of course, Lord Elsten,” Kaiden said. 

“Perhaps you can visit. We can certainly provide feasts, too, and we have beautiful furs.” 

Kaiden paused, his gaze calculating for a moment. “The weather is rather warm in the capital, though.” He suddenly farted, loudly, but the other man ignored it. 

“Of course. Well, what about a new horse? We have a lovely new breed, stocky and strong. Perfect for hunting.

Kaiden nodded, belching once into a closed fist. “That should be acceptable.” Lord Elsten bowed, then moved away, his grin wide. 

Logan could guess why Kaiden’s visit would be important. It must feel strange, he thought, to be invited somewhere so you could poop there. 

Kaiden was soon surrounded by other noble lords and ladies, and Logan quickly noticed a pattern. He was invited to everyone’s lands, and would usually turn them down unless offered something. One he agreed to simply to visit their hot springs. And, Logan noted, all three of the noble’s lands he agreed to visit were in the northern areas of the kingdom. 

It seemed Logan would get to travel after all. 

It wasn’t just the older landowners who talked to Kaiden, either. Many young women talked to him too, batting their eyelashes and adjusting their bodices in his view. Some young men tried the same, fetching him drinks or trying to get his attention. A few times, Logan could tell, Kaiden would be distracted, his gaze lingering on a woman’s breasts or staring a bit too long at a young man’s shapely rear. But he never agreed to anything, be it a date for a meal or even just a gift. 

Kaiden had been right. This party wasn’t for real enjoyment or fun. It was work. 

Finally, after what seemed an eternity of forced socialization, Kaiden crooked a finger to Logan, and he followed him to the balcony. Servants swung open enormous glass doors, then closed them behind them. 

“I couldn’t hold it anymore.” Kaiden leaned over the balcony railing, letting it push into his gut, and began to fart. It was a steady, unending drone, Kaiden grimacing. He had been farting every so often at the party, everyone around him ignoring the raucous interruptions, but this was different, deeper and longer and probably completely overwhelming if one’s sense of smell was intact. He leaned over more, sticking out his butt, passing so much wind the air around him seemed to shimmer. 

“Damnit,” Kaiden said. “I might be here a while. And I’m hungry.” 

“Would you like me to get you food?” Logan wouldn’t leave his side, but he could ask one of the servants by the doors to fetch something. 

“If I eat I’ll have to shit, and I already might have to shit soon.” Logan took that as a no. Kaiden kept farting, the sounds making conversation impossible. 

The doors swung open again, and this time it was Pallax. “I knew you’d be out here,” he said, though Logan wasn’t convinced Kaiden could hear over his gas. “Theo just arrived, fashionably late, so I got a break too. But…Jeez, Kaiden, can you stop for five seconds?” 

Kaiden looked back over his shoulder and smirked, and kept farting. It was two more minutes until the sound died down. 

Pallax waved a hand in front of his face. “Well, so much for fresh air.” 

“Did you need me or are you just getting tired of it all too?” 

“I came to tell you that the minor nobles are annoyed that you aren’t paying them any attention. I know they can’t offer you anything, and they don’t need your, uh, contributions as much as the big landowners, but its politics, Kaiden. Talk to them.” 

“Ugh.” Kaiden ripped another fart, loud but short. “Fine. But they’re the worst.” 

“I know.” Pallax turned back to the doors. “But its best to do it now while Theo is distracting the most annoying ones.” 

“Fine, I said. I’ll be back in a few more minutes.” Pallax nodded and left. 

“I hate this,” Kaiden said. 

“I know,” Logan replied. 

“You learn fast.” 

“At least there were some pretty men and women there,” Logan said. “Would you, um, be pressured to marry too?” 

“You’re kidding, right?” Kaiden laughed at Logan’s expression. “Of course they try. They always do. But were I to marry any noble, that noble would be catapaulted into stratospheric wealth, and the crown won’t have it. It would also cause strife with other nobles if any one noble had such access to my resources.” He rubbed his stomach. “A political disaster. The third son never marries.” 

Logan frowned. “That’s unfortunate.” 

“Maybe.” Kaiden belched. “I think of it as stress Pallax and Theo have that I don’t have to worry about. And it’s not like I can’t do anything. I can’t risk siring bastards, but if I find a man willing to put up with me for an hour or so?” He nodded, his face reddening slightly. 

Logan cleared his throat. “Right.” 

“Let’s get back, then. I can see how much of my gas the lesser nobles can put up with.” The servants swung the doors back open, and back into the fray they went. 

The first thing that caught Logan’s eyes was Prince Theo, dressed in bright yellow. Kaiden caught Logan’s eye and gave a smirking laugh. 

Kaiden’s task was with the lesser nobles for now, though, and even Logan could pick out the lesser nobility. Their clothes weren’t as fine, their jewelry less decadent. But the routine was the same, all of them begging Kaiden for favors. He turned them all down with terse words. 

Logan could read in the way Kaiden stood that the prince was uncomfortable, and every so often he would rub his stomach and grimace. He was farting less, too. He probably needed to shit. 

Logan found himself leaning against the wall, and was shocked when a noble man came up to him. Kaiden was busy talking to another young woman, his gaze distracted, and he turned his head to the side to belch into his hand every so often. 

“You’re Kaiden’s new guard?” the man asked. 

“Indeed, my lord.” 

“Where do you hail from?” 

Logan’s stomach flipped. He didn’t like admitting to his poor upbringing and the poverty his family faced, but he wasn’t about to lie to nobility. “The third quarter of the capital.” 

“Third quarter?” The man’s eyebrows went up. “A poor one. How did you end up guarding a prince?” 

Logan frowned. “Hard work, my lord.” 

“Or perhaps the ability to tolerate stink.” Logan’s eyes went wide. The man was smiling at him, as though expecting him to be in on a joke that insulted both Logan, his family, and his prince. But the man was nobility. Logan just stayed silent. His family may not have money or land or much of anything, but he wasn’t going to just agree to ridicule them. He looked down at the ground instead. 

“Lord Callow.” Logan snapped his gaze up. Kaiden had left the young woman, who blinked in confusion. “Care to repeat what you just said to my guard?” 

“Your highness.” Callow bowed, his face suddenly pale. “I just said that…the hard work your guard did makes him a good match to guard you.” 

Kaiden’s blue eyes bore into Logan’s. “Logan, repeat what he said.” Around them, a few nobles began to move closer, scenting blood. 

Logan didn’t want to repeat it, but he wouldn’t disobey. “He asked me how I ended up guarding you.” He talked low, all too aware of people around them trying to listen in. “I said I worked hard. He said it was my ability to tolerate stink.” 

“I see.” Kaiden turned to Lord Callow. 

“I said no such thing—“ 

“You insult me, as well as the city, and my guard?” Kaiden asked. “I’m not deaf, Callow.” 

“Your highness, please, I apologize. It was a poor jest.” 

“Apologize to Logan.” 

Lord Callow blinked. “You want me to apologize to a guard?” 

Kaiden’s eyes narrowed, his features suddenly harsh. “What lands do you own?” 

“A hundred acres to the east of the capital. Please, your highness, I’m sorry, I was just—“ 

“You will not receive any help from the crown until the next harvest season. No fertilizer, or stink as you put it, from me.” Kaiden tilted his chin up. 

“That will ruin me!” Lord Callow yelled. That got more people’s attention, conversation around them hushing. Logan wished he could disappear.

“Then perhaps you should comport yourself with more decorum and you will establish better ties,” Kaiden snapped. He turned, his cloak swirling. “Let’s go, Logan.” 

Logan took a breath. He was a guard, and this was a tense situation. He had training for that, at least. There was no real danger, at least not physical danger, but the thought that he had control if there had been kept him calm. He hurried to Kaiden’s side, his hand on his sword until they left the party. Lord Callow stared after them, his eyes burning with anger. 

Logan made sure to remember his face. Logan was no politician, but even he knew that could probably have gone better. Kaiden could very well have just made an enemy. 

They hurried down the hall once the doors closed behind them, Kaiden walking fast in his anger. 

Or maybe it wasn’t just anger. “Ugh.” Kaiden stopped in the hall outside of his room, rubbing his stomach. He blasted three short farts in a row, and groaned again. “I stayed at that damn party too long. Damn Pallax for making me talk to those people.” 

“I’m sorry, my prince,” Logan said. 

“Don’t apologize,” Kaiden snapped. He began to walk again, faster, loudly farting with each step. “It’s not your fault Lord Callow is a jackass. “But…Ugh…” he gritted his teeth, his stomach making a loud gurgling noise. “I should have left earlier.”

“Are you well?” 

“I’m…” he burped loudly. “Being stressed makes it worse.” 

“Makes what worse?” 

“I have to shit. I’m…going to shit.” Kaiden groaned and bent over. “I might be able to hold it, we’re almost there, give me a second…these damn tight pants…” His legs shook, and he belched again, as if trying to relieve pressure from one end that was building in the other. “I shouldn’t have eaten so much at lunch.” He belched again, and a loud fart escaped. “Definitely not. Damnit…”

“Don’t worry, Kaiden,” Logan said. Maybe he should be disgusted. But he couldn’t be. What Kaiden left behind was so valuable nobles argued over it. It was amazing, in a way. 

Kaiden took a few steps forward and leaned against the wall with one hand, the other on his stomach. He began to fart, groaning, and then it turned into loud crackling as his body tensed. An enormous bulge formed in his pants, growing larger and larger, stretching the fabric. Kaiden hit the wall with a fist. 

“Damnit.” He grunted, shoving his legs together, his stomach tensing and relaxing. He belched, then stood up with effort, breathing hard. “Alright.” He let out a breath. “Its under control now. I hate it when that happens, and I still have to go more.” 

“I will ready the chamberpots when we get back.” 

“Good.” Kaiden huffed out another belch. “I blame Callow.”

“Don’t let him get to you.” Logan had to smile. “Thank you for defending me at the party.”

Kaiden straightened as much as he could, the cloak hiding the bulge. “You’re welcome.” His face was red, but Logan knew better by now than to think Kaiden was embarrassed about his bowels. Kaiden cleared his throat. “It wasn’t just for you. Let’s go. Call the maids when we get to my room. And make sure everyone knows none of it is going to Callow’s lands.” 

“Of course,” Logan said, and followed his prince.


	5. The importance of Magic

“What you did at the party was foolish, Kaiden,” Prince Theo snapped a few days later. 

Kaiden huffed in annoyance, meeting Logan’s eyes before looking back to Theo. “I know.” 

“And then Callow complains to me. As though I want to deal with a small landowner, or care about his prospects.” Theo stalked from one side of the meeting room to the other. “I have my own problems to worry about.” 

“I know.” Theo glared at Kaiden, trying to figure out if that response was an insult or not. Logan knew it was, but he kept his mouth shut. 

“And it disrupted the party. It was all anyone could talk about afterward, and what they still talk about—the third prince holding landowners hostage by refusing to give what should be a gift from the country.” Theo held up one finger. “Not just one man.” 

Kaiden shifted to the side in his chair and let out a long, windy fart. Theo glared, waiting even after the sound had ended. 

“Excuse me,” Kaiden muttered. 

“You don’t fart like that in mother’s presence,” Theo said. 

“I only hold it during ceremonies. Besides, she’s the queen. And my mother.” 

“I’m going to be king.” 

Kaiden rolled his eyes. “You’re my brother. And you’re not King yet, so get off your high horse.” Kaiden broke wind again, not bothering to excuse himself this time. “What I did was for the best. I’m not going to let a small landowner who you admit to not caring about insult me. You’re not angry at me, you’re angry at him, so take it out on him.” 

“I can’t now. You already did,” Theo snapped. “You need to let me or mother handle these things, Kaiden.” 

“Fine. But I stand by my decision. Callow gets nothing until after harvest. We have to at least look united.”

“I know.” Theo ran a hand through his brown hair. “And I do like the option of punishing nobles by withholding your…manure. But not for something so trivial. Just keep your temper next time. We can’t have you alienating the nobility. It puts all of us at risk, and especially you!” 

Kaiden nodded, then shifted his weight and began to pass more gas. 

Theo frowned, opening his mouth, then closing it, waiting for Kaiden to finish. “I really wish you wouldn’t do that in front of me,” he said, waving the air in front of his face. 

“I really wish you wouldn’t piss yourself when you’re scared, but we all have things we can’t control.” 

Theo’s face purpled. “Those rumors are completely untrue!” Logan fought very, very hard not to laugh. “Stop being so immature. You’re a prince of the realm, for God’s sake.” 

“You’re right. And maybe my decisions shouldn’t be questioned. Can I go now, future king? I have other meetings today.” 

Theo sighed. “Fine. Go.” 

Kaiden stood, ripping one last fart before leaving the room to a deep frown from Theo, and Logan followed. 

“Damn Theo,” he muttered. “It’s not about the nobles, not really.”

“You think he feels threatened by you?” Logan asked. 

Kaiden turned blue eyes on him. “You’re smarter than you look.” Logan put his hand on his sword, a reflexive habit when he was thinking or when something stressed him out. Kaiden laughed. “Relax,” he added. “Not like that. It’s just his ego. He’s the heir, and wants to be respected more than Pallax or his gassy brother.” He smirked. “I don’t think he likes it when the nobles remember there are two other equally important, equally handsome young princes.” 

Logan never knew how to respond to Kaiden’s light flirting, if it even was flirting. Kaiden wasn’t a fool—he must know Logan admired his looks. But he was a lowly guard, certainly not in the position to make any overtures himself. He merely took the teasing in stride. “You mentioned we were to see the court wizard next?” he asked. 

Kaiden clapped him on the shoulder, and for a moment Logan thought the prince was being jovial until Kaiden leaned over, lifted a leg, and began to fart once more. This one was long, Kaiden venting for nearly a minute. He sighed in relief when it was done. “Getting ahead of the cramps on that one,” he said. “And yes. Though not the court wizard—the royal physician, who also happens to be a wizard.” Kaiden let Logan go, hurrying forward. “I miss his assistant.” 

Logan raised an eyebrow, but before he could ask what Kaiden meant, the prince’s fast steps took them to a single wooden door set into stone. Stairs wound down a narrow hall, and Logan went first, making sure Kaiden was close behind. Stories from other guards about assassins lying in wait on curved staircases were heavy on his mind. 

As much as he wanted to approach things as lightly as Kaiden, he was his guard, and he had to agree at least a little with Kaiden’s brother. Not about power—he didn’t care about that. But angering nobility was foolhardy, prince or not. And an angry noble might decide that if he couldn’t get manure to keep his fields bounteous, no one could. 

“I hate that he keeps his workroom down here,” Kaiden said as they emerged from the staircase into a poorly lit hallway, sconces flickering on the walls. There were no windows, and Logan estimated that they were beneath the castle, probably one floor above the dungeons. “Before he had it near the solar, but mother complained.” 

“I must say, its not very pleasant,” Logan said, and Kaiden grinned. Logan had learned in the past few days that it was easy to make his prince smile—he just had to agree with him. 

Kaiden paused outside a heavy wooden door, and before Logan could raise a fist to knock, it swung open of its own accord. Logan drew his hand back, resisting the urge to reach for his sword. Not that he would admit it to Kaiden, a man with magic imbued into his very being, but Logan didn’t like or trust magic at all. Sure, some spells were useful, like the one that rendered him without the need to sleep so he could protect his prince every waking hour. But magic could harm just as well as it could help. 

It was only when he realized that Kaiden was smirking at his apprehension that Logan entered the room. Behind him, he heard Kaiden huff lightly, and then let another fart begin to fly, this one echoing down the long, windowless hall. 

“Your highness.” A man dressed in plain brown robes entered the room from another door, looking past Logan to the prince. Kaiden was still farting, leaning over and sticking his rear out of the doorway, and the wizard, a middle aged man with blond hair, waited patiently. 

“Thank you for doing that in the hall,” the wizard said when Kaiden finally finished. “Rather considerate of you.”

“Don’t get excited, Tarith,” Kaiden said. He waved a hand behind himself before entering the room and closing the door. “You know better than I do there’s more where that came from.”

“Quite.” Tarith quirked a smile. He flicked his gaze to Logan once before looking back to the Prince. “I assume you are well? No complaints?” 

“I’m healthy as ever.” 

“Good.” The wizard moved closer and touched Kaiden’s stomach with a forceful hand, Logan frowning. When Tarith squeezed, Kaiden grunted and farted again. 

“What exactly did you expect?” Kaiden said with a smirk. 

“Remember what we agreed upon last time?” Tarith asked. 

Kaiden’s smirk faded. “And this is for…remind me again?” 

“Research.” Tarith took a few steps away. “Last time you farted at your leisure in this room, and I was able to measure how much you produced. I want to see if holding it in would result in you producing more when you’re allowed to finally, ah, release.” He leaned against the stone wall, giving Kaiden a thorough once over. “Starting now.” 

Kaiden frowned. “Well, Logan,” he said. “Looks like we’re going to be here for a half hour. Enjoy it.” 

The room was tiny, Logan scanning it with a practiced eye. It was well-sealed—only two doors led into the room, and both had hairline-thin cracks that marked where the wall ended and the door began. It was clearly a room meant for security, for hiding out during sieges. “How are you measuring it, exactly?” he asked Tarith. 

Tarith didn’t even look at him. “Answer him,” Kaiden snapped. 

“Magic, obviously,” he said, not looking at Logan. “I can’t make any one room as finely-sealed as I would like, so I will measure it once you begin with magic of my own.” 

It was clear Tarith didn’t want to talk to him, a lowly guard. Well, two could play that game. “So, Kaiden,” Logan asked. “Seems as though you have to hold it in today after all?” 

Kaiden shrugged. “I can,” he said. “Not so easily. Even at my mother’s ceremonies I sometimes let go, especially if I get a bad cramp. I try to keep it quiet in those cases, at least. But other than that, I do not like to hold back.” He shot a glare at Tarith. 

“If we can establish that holding it in when you have to defecate would result in higher quality manure, or more of it, you would certainly have incentive then.” 

“I don’t have to defecate now,” Kaiden said, a wince passing over his features. “But I do have to fart.” It had been about five minutes. Knowing Kaiden as he did the past few days, that was a long time for him not to have passed any gas. 

“Please, your highness,” Tarith said. “Hold it in, just for this short time. For the kingdom.” 

“Usually it helps the kingdom when I don’t…” He stopped, clamping his mouth shut. “I assume belching is out too?” he said after a hard swallow. 

“Only for….” The wizard checked his timepiece. “Twenty-four more minutes.” 

“Ugh.” Kaiden leaned against the wall. “I don’t like holding it in,” he repeated. 

“Why not distract yourself?” Logan suggested. He didn’t like anything that made his Prince uncomfortable. “Perhaps…tell me about Tarith’s old assistant? You mentioned you missed him.” 

Kaiden laughed, and Tarith raised an eyebrow. “Believe me, Logan, Tarith doesn’t want to hear about that.” 

There was clearly a story there, and curiosity gnawed, but Logan let it slide. He would ask Kaiden later. “Alright then. Well, tell me about your training with your weaponsmaster. What sort of training do you do?” Tarith rolled his eyes, but Logan ignored him. 

“Fencing. Dueling, mostly.” Kaiden held up a hand, his fingers and thumb positioned as though he held an imaginary saber. “I’ve been practicing for years, and I can beat Theo quite handily.” He chuckled. “That reminds me. Tell me, Tarith. Is it true that Theo pisses himself when he’s afraid?” 

Tarith stared straight ahead, his jaw working as he tried to figure out how to answer a question he likely wasn’t supposed to answer to someone who clearly outranked him. To Logan, that was proof enough. 

“C’mon man, answer your prince,” Kaiden snapped. “You’re putting me through this.” He was leaning hard against the wall, shoving his rear against the stone. 

“He…has asked, in the past, about advice related to—“ 

Kaiden burst into chuckles and then put up a hand, waving at Tarith. “Oh my god, stop. If you tell me any more I’ll laugh, and then I won’t be able to hold it back.” His body shook with suppressed giggles, and he ground his rear further against the stone. “He was always such a wimp when we were young.” 

“I’m sure he wouldn’t agree,” Tarith said. “And if he is afraid, it is only for good reason, for his safety and the safety of the realm.” Logan wondered how awkward it must be for someone who worked with all three brothers to have to deal with each one gossiping about the others. Then again, he was sure the maids and servants of the castle probably heard way worse. He would still love to get information from some of them. They almost certainly heard things that he never would when he was constantly by the Prince’s side. 

“It’s not like anything’s ever happened to any of us,” Kaiden said. “I don’t know what he’s so afraid of all the time. We have training. We have guards.” He nodded at Logan. “There’s no reason to be anxious constantly.”

That was one thing Logan couldn’t agree with. Even the chef had recognized the potential danger. If Kaiden thought he was so safe, it was because of the efforts of others. But Logan merely smiled, unwilling to pop the Prince’s bubble of ignorance. 

“Besides…oh.” Kaiden wrapped his arms around his stomach, which began audibly gurgling. “Bad cramp. I really have to…” 

“Hold it, please,” Tarith said. Kaiden sank down into a sitting position, still holding his stomach. “Please, my prince. Only ten more minutes.” 

“I’m trying,” Kaiden snapped. “Why is this so important to you, anyway?” 

“Do you understand how amazing your bowels are?” Tarith asked. 

Kaiden gave a pained grin. “I hear that a lot, actually.” 

“The wizard who enchanted your ancestor was the most powerful enchanter of her generation. No one has ever matched her skill. And back in those days, before our order was created or the study of magic became organized, no wizard ever wrote down how they performed their magic. So her expertise, her genius, was lost to the ages.” Tarith stared into space as he talked, as though looking into the past. “We have been trying to understand her magic ever since. It is an honor to study you.” 

Kaiden raised an eyebrow, his teeth gritted. “I don’t feel honored.” His stomach gurgled again, so forcefully Logan could see it move beneath his shirt. Kaiden gasped, then groaned. “I really, really have to fart.” 

“Please, your highness,” Tarith said. “Not much longer.” 

Logan didn’t like this man. He talked to Kaiden, and looked at him, not as a Prince or even a person. He stared at him like one would stare at a particularly interesting bug. If he had been Kaiden, he would have farted long before now and been on his way. 

But Kaiden, groaning and shuddering, didn’t give in. “Urrgh…How do you know this will work?” 

“I have kept things as similar as I could. The same time of day. The same meal this morning. I hope that if you produce more gas—”

“I’m so full, I feel like I have to shit.” Kaiden gasped, his stomach gurgling again. “I’m cramping so bad. I won’t be able to hold it if its shit.” 

Tarith frowned. “Keep trying. You’re very close.” 

Logan wanted to help, but there was nothing he could do. Usually he couldn’t tell, but right now Kaiden even looked more bloated, his stomach tight under his shirt. It gurgled again, a loud, hollow sound. 

Kaiden grimaced and closed his eyes, drawing his feet up, moving his legs together. “I’m so bloated. I hate this!” 

“Try to stay relaxed,” Tarith said. 

Kaiden opened his eyes. “If I relax I’ll fart. If I do anything….urgh…” He huffed, and any second Logan expected him to give in. 

But he didn’t. Logan didn’t know why. Tarith was rude, and Kaiden had no reason at all to listen to him. But there no sign of flatulence, just the gurgling of Kaiden’s belly, until Tarith finally glanced at his stopwatch. “There,” he said. “Go ahead.”

Kaiden didn’t wait, and began to fart before the last word was out of Tarith’s mouth.

The sound was deafening. Kaiden spread his legs and leaned against the wall, lifting his butt off the ground, his stomach and rear nearly vibrating as he pushed out more gas than Logan had ever seen him release before. He kept his eyes screwed shut, one hand on his stomach and one on the floor to support himself, his clothes rippling in his wind. It grew so loud that it seemed to echo even in the tiny room, and kept going, uninterrupted, even as Kaiden gasped and moaned. It went on longer than the fart he had released during the party on the balcony, longer than that first fart he had let go after the ceremony when they had first met. 

It began to putter out, but Kaiden still groaned. He took a deep breath, barely audible over the staccato of the fart, and changed positions, now on his hands and knees, his ass in the air. The sound picked up again, Kaiden’s whole body tensing like iron, and for a moment the sound of ripping cloth joined the bassy sound of the fart as Kaiden’s silk pants split, the force of his gas releasing so strong the fabric hadn’t contained it. That only made the sound louder, Kaiden red-faced and panting as he passed an absolutely massive amount of wind for an entire five minutes. 

When it finally began to slow, the volume low enough, Tarith spoke up. “Yes,” he said. “You definitely have passed more than when you didn’t hold it in beforehand. Almost twice as much, in fact.” 

Kaiden groaned. “I’m not anywhere near done. Why do you think I hate to hold it in?” 

***  
Kaiden couldn’t stop farting. He passed gas in long, ten second bursts as they walked back to his room, rubbing his stomach and belching when he wasn’t farting. At one point, every step was punctuated with a fart, and this time it lasted the length of an entire hallway. Even after he returned to his room, conversation was impossible for a time with the constant, raucous noise, Kaiden laying on his bed and ripping blast after blast. 

“Open the window please,” he said after one particularly long one. Logan obliged, cool air blowing into the room. “I hate that wizard.” 

Logan had to ask. “Why did you agree to do it?” 

“Because…” he paused to burp, and then shifted his weight and farted again, the curtains rippling. It went on for a while, and he paused, gasping, then groaned. “Not done, hang on.” He squinted and broke more wind, the release finally turning into a long hiss. “Because if they can figure out how its done, maybe they won’t need me,” he finally said. 

Logan blinked. “You…you don’t want to be valuable?” 

Kaiden sighed. “Don’t get me wrong. I like it. But being the only one? Being so gassy I can’t…argh...” the sound picked up again, and he waited until he was completely finished this time. “Massively shitting two or even three times a day? I have a good life. There’s benefits. But sometimes I wonder what it would be like if everyone wasn’t fighting over me, monitoring me, the sole producer. That’s all.” He suddenly farted so loudly the windows rattled. “This can’t be pleasant for you.” 

“I don’t mind.” 

“Good. Because I still can’t stop.” He moved onto his hands and knees, angling so that his face was low, his ass high in the air. His stomach gurgled, and he shifted his weight, spreading his legs, his muscular ass swaying in a way that was all too inviting. “Oh, here it comes.” 

Then he ripped a dozen more loud, massive farts in a row, each one nearly twenty seconds in length. When he finally straightened up, he let out a long sigh of utter relief. “Oh, that’s a lot better now, finally.”

“I’m glad you’re feeling better,” Logan said, a little in awe. He wondered if Kaiden would start shitting, but instead the Prince sat back down with a sigh. 

“Anyway, its hard being the only one sometimes. The spell goes to the next third son only when the other dies, so its not like I’ve ever met anyone else like me. And Tarith is coy about it, but I know he’s trying to duplicate the spell. They all are. No one’s succeeded, and all mages are careful about what they do after what happened to one of my ancestors.” When Logan raised an eyebrow, Kaiden elaborated. “They fed him gold to see if the magic would duplicate the metal. It did, but he almost died.” 

Logan swallowed hard, putting a hand on his sword. He knew he shouldn’t trust mages.

“It would be nice if I could be invited to places for something other than my manure. And if I didn’t have to worry about people looking at me like a one-of-a-kind commodity. Tarith even stares at me like he’d like to dissect me.” Kaiden chuckled, but it was dry. “It would be nice to be a target for something other than my poop, whether it be kidnappers or assassins or invitations or whatever.” 

Logan blinked. “But…you said you weren’t worried about such things before.” 

Kaiden snorted. “I never said I wasn’t worried. I said there’s no reason to be anxious all the time, which I’m not. But I do know there’s a reason we have guards like you.”

Logan nodded. “It’s good that you don’t worry. I’ll protect you.” 

Kaiden sighed, passing another long fart. “I know. That’s part of the reason I’m not worried. I trust you, Logan.” 

The statement warmed Logan’s heart more than it should have. “I would give my life for yours, my Prince.” 

“Right, guards do that,” Kaiden said. He didn’t smile this time. “Just don’t do it for my poop, alright?”


	6. The Hunt

Logan checked his sword at his hip in the mirror, taking a deep breath. He had to be at his best today. He would accompany Kaiden on a hunt, and then they would travel to Lord Elsten’s lands. There were an innumerable number of threats on the open roads that he may have to protect his charge from. 

“Hurry up, Kaiden!” Pallax shouted, his voice muffled through the door. “Foxes don’t come out past dawn!” 

At least his brother wasn’t one of them, Logan thought ruefully.

Kaiden grunted from his place on the chamber pot, the fifth one he had filled that morning. Crackling emanated from beneath him, and he leaned forward, straining to pass what must be an enormous turd. His breakfast had been early, before the sun even came up, and apparently his bowels moved slowly early on. “Hnggngg…” he panted, taking a break and relaxing. “Damnit, I’m fighting for every inch of this one.” 

“Kaiden!” 

Kaiden huffed. “Go to the door and tell him to shut up,” he told Logan. “I’m going to be here a while longer. And tell him he’s an idiot if he truly…hnngg…believes that about foxes.” He ended the statement with an enormous fart that echoed from the chamber pot and lasted for the time it took for Logan to cross the room and open the door.

Pallax greeted him, the blond prince’s mouth twisted with annoyance. “Shitting again, isn’t he?” he asked. 

“He requests you wait patiently,” Logan said. “And not to worry about foxes.” 

“That’s not what I….Hrrgh…told you to say!” Kaiden shouted. An enormous thud came from across the room, followed by another gusting fart that was magnified by the chamber pot. “I just finished, Pallax,” Kaiden said with a few panting breaths. “We’ll go soon.” 

“Right,” Pallax said, his nose wrinkling. “I’ll wait in the stables, I suppose. Remember to save some for Lord Elsten!” 

Kaiden sighed as Pallax left, Logan shutting the door once more. He then had to open it again for the team of maids who came for the chamber pots. “Will we arrive in time to Elsten’s lands after the hunt?” he asked. 

“Almost certainly not,” Kaiden said, standing and showing off his well-muscled rear as he stretched. He didn’t even look at the maids who took each chamber pot, although he covered himself with a hand. “After the hunt we’ll take a wagon. When I need to shit, I can do it there.” He bent over and farted again. “I hate shitting while traveling, though. I hate traveling, really.” 

“It’s for the good of the kingdom,” Logan said. 

“Right,” Kaiden said, then belched. “Like everything I do.” 

***  
“I have to admit, Kaiden,” Pallax said, the two brothers standing side by side in the stable and taking in the sight of Kaiden’s gift from Lord Elsten. “Sometimes I envy you.” 

The horse Lord Elsten had gifted him was a gorgeous animal, a chestnut stallion that was probably 20 hands tall. Kaiden walked over to the stall and patted the horse’s nose, and when Kaiden ripped an enormous fart that was so loud it nearly rattled the walls, the horse didn’t flinch. Not only beautiful, but well-trained. A warhorse, most likely, though Logan couldn’t imagine Kaiden riding into battle. 

“This will be fun,” Kaiden said. “Logan, I assume you know how to ride?” 

“Of course,” Logan said. “I can borrow a horse from the—”

“Nonsense,” Kaiden said. “You’ll take my old horse. I won’t have my guard riding an inferior animal.” He snapped his fingers at the stablehand. “Prepare Blue. I’ll be taking this one.” 

“You know, after the hunt you’ll have to have it just follow the wagon,” Pallax said. “You can’t hook up an animal like that to traces.” 

“Obviously,” Kaiden said. “I want to show Elsten my appreciation. I’m taking it with me.” 

“Just making sure,” Pallax said. “You aren’t known for your social graces, you know.” 

Kaiden gave him a smirk. “At least one of us knows how to be honest.” He punctuated the statement with another loud belch. “Alright, let’s get started.” He took a step back and waited while another stablehand led the horse out of the stall. Logan’s heart picked up as he watched. With one kick, an animal like that could break Kaiden’s bones or worse. 

But the horse stayed quiet and placid, and finally the stablehand motioned for Kaiden to mount. The prince put one foot in the stirrup, and then grimaced as he swung his weight up and over the horse. He didn’t settle himself into the saddle immediately, instead leaning forward and beginning to fart so loudly the horse flicked its ears in confusion. For a time, the only sight Logan saw was Kaiden’s tight rear, clad in riding leathers, as he leaned forward enough to make it easier to pass an enormous amount of wind. 

“I thought horses were bad,” Pallax muttered. He met Logan’s eyes. “You thought he farted a lot when he’s just sitting around. Wait until his stomach gets jostled by a horse or a wagon.” He rolled his eyes, then waved to Kaiden once the farting stopped. “I’ll meet you at the fields!” he said, then waved his hand in front of his face as he left the stable. 

Kaiden raised a hand, then grunted and farted again, holding the reins in one hand and rubbing his stomach with the other. 

“Are you well?” Logan asked. 

“Of course,” Kaiden said. “Swinging up on the horse loosened up some gas, is all. Whew.” He waved a hand behind himself. “Let’s get outside before it gets worse.” He clucked his tongue, and the horse began to walk, Logan following his prince on foot outside the stable doors. 

“Your mount, sir,” a stablehand said as they emerged into a beautiful sunny day, and Logan took the reins of a gelding that was almost as high quality as the horse Kaiden currently rode. Logan had ridden plenty of horses, but never one so obviously finely bred. Even the saddle felt comfortable as he mounted, and he wondered how many times Kaiden had ridden this horse. Of course, he also wondered how many times Kaiden had broken wind onto this same saddle. 

The prince met his eyes from his place on his horse. “Comfortable?” he asked with a smile. 

“Very,” he had to admit. He made sure his sword was secure at his hip as he kicked the horse into an easy trot, following along Kaiden and his as-yet-unnamed horse. He wondered what name Kaiden would pick, or if the animal already had one. Did horses learn names, like dogs? 

He put the thoughts out of his mind as they trotted across the fields, nearing another group of riders. He saw Pallax there, the other prince’s golden hair obvious in the sun, along with his guard. Other nobles milled around, obvious from their finery and even finer animals, and a host of other people on foot. The Master of Hounds waited there as well, in the center of a pack of snarling, near-wild looking dogs. 

“Your wagon will disembark from the bridge,” a woman told Kaiden. “After the hunt, we shall meet you there.” 

Kaiden nodded, shifting in his saddle and waiting until the woman had headed away before breaking wind loudly. Then he joined the others, his brief conversation with Pallax drowned out by the combined noise of the group of people and the incessant barking of the hounds. 

This is where Logan’s training was most important. He had never understood hunts. In some cases they were important, killing dangerous animals that threatened farmers livelihoods, but all of this seemed unnecessary. It would be too easy for someone to unhorse Kaiden in all this confusion. 

Even as he thought it, Pallax gave some sort of signal, and the Master of Hounds whistled. The pack of dogs, probably seven in all, suddenly raced ahead, baying so loudly Logan’s ears hurt. 

Kaiden suddenly stood on his stirrups, perhaps gaining height to watch the dogs or perhaps getting enough leverage to pass more wind. Either way, in a few moments he met Logan’s eyes and grinned. Then he drove his heels into his horse’s side, and the animal lunged forward. 

Perhaps the hunt was just for him to test out his new animal. But Logan didn’t have time to think. He had to keep up. 

He had to admit that Kaiden’s old horse, Blue, was a fine animal. His gallop was so smooth Logan barely noticed as bushes and trees whipped by. It was almost thrilling, and would have been great fun if the man he was supposed to be protecting wasn’t getting so far ahead of him. Did Elsten really have to give Kaiden such a fast horse? Worry clouded his thoughts. What if Kaiden fell from the saddle? What if someone saw the prince riding alone and decided to fire an arrow?

Logan dug his heels in harder into his horses side. “C’mon, Blue, your old master is getting away,” he urged. The horse’s nostrils flared, almost as if it understood, and the grass became a blur beneath its hooves. 

Despite Logan and Blue’s best efforts, Kaiden beat them by far to the treeline, where he finally stopped and waited, a wide smile on his face. “Second, I see,” he said, and it look Logan a minute to figure out what he meant until Pallax arrived next. 

“Damnit, Kaiden, you’re going to give your guard a heart attack,” he said. Logan wouldn’t have put it that way, but he hoped his expression let Kaiden know he agreed.

“I’ve always been a better rider than you,” Kaiden said to Pallax with a laugh. “Don’t ruin my fun. I never get to leave the castle, and this is my chance to enjoy it.”

Pallax shook his head, and his guard gave Logan a look of sympathy. Logan suddenly realized that Kaiden’s farting would likely be the lowest thing on his list of worries today.

He urged his mount closer to Kaiden’s, his horse flicking its ears back when Kaiden grunted and loudly farted, the sound short but raucous. In response, a dog barked, and Pallax snorted a laugh. 

“Please be careful, my Prince,” Logan said. “There could be danger—“ 

“There’s always danger,” Kaiden said with a sigh. “You can’t let it stop you from doing what you enjoy, right? C’mon. Let’s roam the woods. The dogs haven’t even scented anything yet.” 

Logan swallowed down his protest. It was his duty to protect Kaiden, not to argue with him. And it wasn’t like he could blame him. Staying cooped up in the castle every day probably wasn’t the most exciting life. 

They ranged a bit away from the group, and Kaiden grunted, shifting once more in his saddle. He leaned forward, lifting his rear. “Ugh, all that running loosened it…here we go.” He sighed and began to fart, the sound so loud a few birds around them took off from their perches in the trees. The fart went on and on, then sputtered out, only to begin again just as loud after Kaiden took a deep breath. 

“At least we’ll always be able to hear you!” Pallax called from somewhere behind the trees. Kaiden chuckled, then grunted and kept farting, his stomach tensing over and over, his leather-clad thighs shaking with the effort of keeping the position in the saddle so he could fart more easily. Logan waited patiently, but Pallax had been right about the effects of exercise on Kaiden’s stomach. He just kept farting. 

Suddenly a dog bayed, the sound long and almost a howl. “Damnit,” Kaiden grunted. “Just a little more…” his body tightened further, the fart growing louder, before he dropped back into his saddle, the sound cut off. “We’d better go, or we’ll end up too far behind.” 

“Are you finished?” Logan asked, kicking his horse into a canter alongside the Prince. 

“I’m never truly finished,” Kaiden said, rubbing his stomach with a rueful smile. Then he kicked his horse again, the animal’s canter turning into a ground-eating gallop. Logan sighed and did his best to follow.

As the day went on, Logan learned how the hunt worked. It was mostly for socializing, although Kaiden took plenty of opportunities to range about on his own, sometimes to get privacy to loudly pass vast quantities of gas and sometimes to follow one of the dogs in hopes that he would be among the first of those to call out a fox sighting. He also took every opportunity to put his new horse through its paces, even exclaiming in delight when he persuaded it to perform some sort of strange dressage backwards prance. Others around them applauded after he did it, and Logan assumed it was just another sign of good breeding in the animal. 

As the morning wore on, the sun beaming down, the hunters passed around bread and jerky. Kaiden shook his head when it was offered. “I want to see this hunt through by noon,” he said. “I need to start heading north over the bridge by then.” 

“And you don’t want to have to shit, right?” Pallax said with a laugh. 

“Hey, its not my dogs taking forever to find one little fox,” Kaiden retorted with a good-natured punch to Pallax’s shoulder. The act of leaning over, though, must have tightened his stomach, because he suddenly groaned and passed the loudest fart of the day. 

“Kaiden, really! I’m eating!” Pallax said. 

“Sorry, that one snuck up on me.” And it still was, Kaiden farting as he headed back to his horse. “I’ll get the dogs to find the fox,” he called over the sound of his noisy backside. 

Logan followed him into the woods, following an obvious trail of broken leaves one of the dogs had left. Kaiden was still farting, a tense expression on his face as he rubbed his stomach. “I need to shit soon, but I have to hold on for the wagon,” he said with a pained grin. “But I don’t want to miss any part of the hunt.” 

Logan looked back over his shoulder, and then back to Kaiden. “I’m not sure I understand it,” he admitted. “Why all this ceremony over a fox?” 

“Tradition,” Kaiden said. “Cameraderie. And a free fox pelt to whoever is first on the scene.” 

Logan blinked. “So to the dogs?” 

Kaiden laughed. “To the first person to catch up to the dogs once they’ve found it. They’re well trained. The pelt will have teeth marks, but that’s all part of the fun.” 

Logan shook his head. He would never truly understand kings and nobility. Then again, he was just a guard, a poor man from the third quarter. He had never even seen forest land before beginning his training, accustomed to long streets and alleys full of refuse. 

“You don’t agree?” Kaiden said. 

“It’s not that. It’s just…this is new to me, I suppose.” 

“A lot is new to you. You adjust well,” Kaiden said. Logan had to smile at the compliment, a strange warmth budding in his chest. He told himself it was happiness at praise from his prince and nothing more. 

“There’s the smile I like,” Kaiden said. “First one of the day and its nearly noon. I’ll have to try harder tomorrow.” Logan’s smile grew.

A branch snapped nearby, sending alertness spiking through his body, and Logan turned, peering through the leaves. He wasn’t a wilderness expert, but that had sounded unnatural, not like the sound an animal would make. 

He listened for any more sounds, but then Kaiden started loudly farting again, grunting and sighing as he did. Logan moved his horse closer, still eyeing the woods where the sound had come from. 

“We should stick with the group,” Logan said once Kaiden was done. Kaiden narrowed his eyes, but maybe reading something in Logan’s expression, nodded his agreement. 

Logan wondered if a moment had been ruined, but it shouldn’t—didn’t—matter. His job was to protect his Prince.

***

It was past noon when the dogs caught the fox, and perhaps owing to his impatience or just to the speed of his new horse, Kaiden was first on the scene. Pallax groaned, proclaiming the unfairness of it all as the dog brought the small animal’s broken body to Kaiden. 

Logan felt a small bit of pity for the dead fox as Kaiden hefted it, and then handed it to the Master of Hounds. “I expect a fox fur shawl when I return,” the Prince said. The Master nodded. 

“So, off to Elsten’s lands?” Pallax asked. Kaiden nodded, a look of impatience in his eyes as he scanned the treeline. 

“And not soon enough. I hope there’s enough chamber pots in the wagon.” 

It wasn’t soon enough for Logan either. Keeping up with the Prince and his new horse had taken nearly all of his energy, and his nerves still thrummed from the memory of that strange sound. It may be nothing but paranoia, but growing up on the streets of the third quarter had given him instincts he had learned not to ignore. 

“Always so polite,” Pallax said to Kaiden after another fart. “I’ll escort you to the wagon. Try not to shit on the way.” 

“I’m not a child.” 

“Humor me.” 

An escort from the second prince hadn’t been the plan, but Kaiden didn’t argue it any further as Pallax and his guard followed Kaiden and Logan through the woods. Kaiden wasn’t running his horse anymore, instead opting to rub his stomach every so often and belch loudly. He looked like he was in pain, but Logan had learned by now that Kaiden was long used to his own bowels. He simply needed to empty them.

Logan almost jumped as Pallax’s guard rode up next to him. It took him a moment to remember the other man’s name—Sir Boreas. 

“It may be nothing,” the man said. “And don’t cause the Prince undue alarm. But guard the wagon closely. Its possible you’re being followed.” 

Logan’s blood ran cold. His instincts hadn’t been wrong.


	7. Luxury

Kaiden’s farts, and occasional groans of relief, as he emptied his bowels could be heard through the carriage walls. It made it more difficult than it had to be to listen for danger as Logan rode Blue alongside. Every time he thought he heard the snap of a branch or the rustle of leaves that might mark someone following, the loud drone of Kaiden’s flatulence coming through the carriage windows would cover it up. 

The carriage driver didn’t seem nearly as paranoid, but then again, it wasn’t her job to be. Logan wished Sir Boreas had been able to give him more information, but if they were to reach Elsten’s manor by the evening, they had to leave without delay. 

Logan breathed deeply, trying to keep himself calm. He also wondered at his own sense of dread. Kaiden was the prince, and his charge, but surely a guard shouldn’t be so worried. 

Maybe it was because he was newly assigned. Maybe it was because he didn’t have much experience traversing woods as he did traversing a city. Or maybe…he twisted the reins in his hand. Maybe it was because he cared for Kaiden more than he should. 

Even as he thought it, the carriage door opened, the driver slowing down with a yank on the reins that were looped through her fingers. She sighed, probably annoyed at Kaiden’s unpredictability. 

“My Prince, maybe—“ Logan began. 

“I’ve told you to call me Kaiden,” he said, stepping out of the carriage. The hitched horses snorted, as though annoyed at the interruption. 

“Kaiden, it would be safer to remain in the wagon. We have a long way to travel—“ 

“And if you think I’m staying in there with 8 chamber pots full of shit, you’re crazy,” Kaiden said. “Not to mention I’ve been passing so much gas I can barely breathe in there.” Logan felt badly for the butler who had accompanied them. At least the carriage had windows, though he wasn’t sure how much they helped. Clearly not much from the way Kaiden seemed so eager to leave. 

“Please, Kaiden, there may be danger.” 

“Not to mention that we’re already behind schedule and it will be faster if I ride,” Kaiden said. “We can get ahead of the carriage and get there before dark. And Elsten will be pleased to see me riding my new horse.” He snapped his fingers, and the groom who had been leading Kaiden’s new horse unhitched it from the wagon and led it to him. 

Logan’s heart sank. It was clear there would be no convincing him, and the worst part was, Kaiden wasn’t wrong. As much as the cover the carriage provided would be safer, Logan didn’t relish the idea of being out after darkness fell. 

“Thank you,” Kaiden said, then grimaced and doubled over before mounting, farting for a good half-minute. “Ugh. My guts are a mess after such an early schedule.” He settled himself on the horse, then farted three more times in quick succession. “Believe me, you wouldn’t want to be in an enclosed space with me right now either,” he said to Logan. “Even as handsome as I am.” He smiled cheekily. 

Logan sighed, hoping his face didn’t redden. “Very well. Let’s hurry, then.” He mapped the route in his mind, thinking back to the geography lessons he had been given. They rode in companionable silence for a time, Logan still on edge at every sound. Kaiden’s loud farting every few minutes made his job more difficult. 

“You’ll enjoy Elsten’s manor, trust me,” Kaiden said after a while, digging his heels into his horse to pick up speed. Logan eyed the afternoon sky. “He values me for my shit more than anything, of course, as everyone does, but he at least makes sure the experience of leaving it is as pleasurable as possible.” 

Logan urged his own horse into a fast trot, looking back once over his shoulder. There was no sign of the carriage, or anyone or anything else. “I look forward to it.” 

Kaiden glanced at Logan and smiled, and then it faltered as he began to fart again, groaning as he did. “Damnit, I’m hungry, so I shouldn’t be this gassy,” he grumbled. “I wonder if the wizards would bother studying why I fart this much even when I haven’t eaten since breakfast. Maybe it would give them a clue as to how it all works.” 

Logan wondered for a moment, but the mechanics of it escaped him. “At least you have Elsten’s manor to look forward too as well,” he said. 

Kaiden gave him a wry smile. “Right, I did say that, didn’t I?” He sighed. “I just wish I didn’t have to pass so much damn gas right now. And Elsten’s feast is only going to make it worse.” 

He waited for Logan to respond, but when he didn’t he snapped “What’s got you so on edge? You’re usually a better conversationalist.” 

Logan blinked. He hadn’t realized his tension was obvious. “I have to make sure you’re safe,” he said. “We’re exposed out here, and we don’t have the cover of the carriage.” 

Kaiden sighed. “If someone wanted my manure, they’d attack the carriage, not me,” he said. “Everyone knows I can’t go more than 10 hours without shitting, and they would know that they would keep it safe in the carriage. We’re likely safer here than they are back there.” 

Logan frowned. “You’ve never…moved your bowels in the woods?” 

“I would if I absolutely had to, but it’s not ideal. Too valuable. Would you dump gold in the woods? That’s why we have a carriage in the first place. It’s not for my comfort.” Bitterness creeped into Kaiden’s tone, and he punctuated the statement with a long, windy fart that went on for so long that Kaiden seemed annoyed by it. “Ugh. I skip lunch to avoid shitting and farting so much, and now all I am is hungry.”

“If my memory of the maps is correct, we should arrive in the next hour or so.”

“Your memory of maps is good. And I’ve actually been here before, so I know it.” Kaiden smirked. “This isn’t the first time Elsten’s wined and dined me.”

Logan was curious about previous visits, but he had to keep focused. Kaiden may not be worried, but it wasn’t his job to be, it was Logan’s. He adjusted the sword on his hip, keeping his eyes peeled and his ears alert for any suspicious sounds. Maybe he was being overcautious. 

There’s no such thing as being overcautious, the voice of his old instructor replayed in his mind. 

“You know, I can get you whatever kind of food you want when we get there,” Kaiden said, breaking the silence once again. He rubbed his stomach while he spoke, a firm massage. “What sort of things are your favorite? You seem like a meat type of guy to me.”

Logan thought back to old meals. “Well, I used to like spiced meat. But with the spell to get rid of my sense of smell, I can’t really taste. A strange side effect, I suppose. Food has to be much spicier now for me to enjoy it.” 

“Oh.” Kaiden frowned, and he fell silent, still rubbing his stomach. They carried on for a few more minutes, Logan listening to the trills of birds overhead and the gurgling of Kaiden’s stomach. 

“Ugh…one moment.” Kaiden stopped, pulling back on the reins with one hand. He leaned forward in his saddle, his thighs tense as he lifted his rear. “Damnit, this cramp…ugh. This is going to be a lot of gas.” 

Logan rode to the side, just in time for Kaiden to begin an enormous fart. The prince’s face had gone red, his whole body taut, and he bit his lip as he forced out the fart, pushing down on the stirrups and leaning forward against his horse’s neck. It went on and on, Logan reaching out and stabilizing the prince’s horse when it stepped in place, the animal clearly impatient. 

Kaiden gasped and kept pushing, grunting with the effort of farting. Logan couldn’t smell it, but his horse’s nostrils flared. “Damnit,” Kaiden said, “almost…hnggh!” 

The fart grew louder, the prince’s face going nearly cherry red, and then another sound mingled with the roaring of his flatulence. A tearing sound. 

The force of the gas being pushed out had split the seam of Kaiden’s tight leather riding pants, revealing his two well-muscled cheeks as they vibrated with the force of his fart. The fart went on for another half minute before petering out, Kaiden finishing with a groan and another few rubs of his stomach. 

“Damn,” he said, the flush on his face receding. “Now we have to wait for the damn carriage, or I’m going to be greeting Elsten bare-assed.” He belched and farted once more, a short rapport. Then he sat straighter on his horse, shifting uncomfortably as his bare bum made contact with the saddle. 

Logan tilted his head, making a few quick estimations. “My coat would likely be long enough to hide that,” he said. “You can wear it as a riding cloak, or simply tie around your waist. It may look strange, but…” 

Kaiden glanced at him, then back the way they had come, probably estimating how far behind the carriage was. “Alright, give it here then,” he said. “You won’t get cold?” 

“The weather is nice.” 

Kaiden took the proffered coat, putting it on normally. The long cloth coat did well to hide the ripped trousers, and even made Kaiden look more inconspicuous, less like a dandy prince in fancy leathers and more like a regular traveler. 

He shattered that illusion almost immediately when he passed gas loudly, the long coat rippling in his wind. “Ugh…you may not want this coat back after today, you know,” Kaiden said with a sigh, waving a hand behind himself. 

“As long as you’re comfortable,” Logan said. “I don’t mind.” 

Kaiden farted again, then kicked his horse back into a trot. “Awfully thoughtful of you.” He looked back at Logan as if studying him, making Logan’s heart pick up.

“I’m just doing my job, my prince.” 

“Right, your job,” Kaiden said with a sigh. “Just like I am.”

***

“Greetings, your highness!” Elsten was there to greet them, as it should be for nobility greeting a prince. “I didn’t expect you to come alone.” 

Logan supposed he didn’t count.

“My carriage and retainers should be along soon,” Kaiden said. As he spoke, his guts gave a growl, but this time it was an obvious grumble of hunger. Elsten laughed at the sound. With a snap of his fingers, two young men appeared and helped Kaiden dismount. Logan couldn’t help but notice how attractive they were, and one of them gave Kaiden a sultry look as he led his horse away. Kaiden moved slowly, clearly being careful not to let his long coat flutter too much and reveal his torn pants. 

No one helped Logan dismount, but an older man did take his horse, following after Kaiden’s. Logan stood by his prince, once again a mere observer as those with noble blood talked. 

“First I’d like to see the quarters where I’ll be staying,” Kaiden said. “Once the carriage arrives, send my belongings to the room. Then I expect there will be dinner.” 

“Naturally,” Elsten said, and he began to walk, Logan and Kaiden following him inside. His manor was not nearly as large or as imposing as the castle, but Logan still eyed the battlements warily, counting the small holes in stone where archers or assassins could lie in wait. They crossed a small river, the water flowing out toward a rolling green field and emptying into a pond. As they walked Kaiden farted every minute or so, but Elsten didn’t comment on it. 

Once inside, the stone floors were covered in plush green carpeting, and tapestries covered nearly every wall. Servants ran and greeted them as they walked, and soon enough they had stopped outside a large set of double doors. 

“I will send your belongings once they arrive, and let you know as soon as your meal is prepared,” Elsten said. “If you need anything at all, simply have your man talk to Ventus here, who will always be just outside your door. He will fetch anything you need.” He motioned to an older, graying man, who gave a deep bow when Kaiden glanced at him. “The baths are in the room just on your right, and the water will be piping hot for the duration of your visit.” 

“Thank you,” Kaiden said. “I appreciate it, truly.” He shifted his weight, and a quiet rushing noise let Logan know Kaiden had just passed more gas. 

“And I appreciate your visit,” Elsten said. “It’s why I make it nice for you.” He laughed. “Now if only I could get you to marry Aurella.” 

Kaiden met Logan’s eyes for the briefest of moments. “I think I’ll stay celibate for this visit,” he said. Logan couldn’t tell if it was a joke about being unable to marry Elsten’s daughter, a rejection of something Elsten hadn’t explicitly offered but had in the past, or both. 

“Alas,” Elsten said, and then headed down the hall. “Enjoy yourself, your highness. That’s all I ask.” 

Kaiden nodded and entered the room, shutting the door behind himself after Logan followed. Logan blinked. The room was enormous, even larger than Kaiden’s room at home in the castle. The bed was a four-poster bed with plush purple curtains, and there was a second sleeping couch next to it. Another long curtain was drawn across half the room, covering an area that looked like… a sink? Water flowed in it down a drain, and when he followed it a pipe to the window, he looked down upon a small pond. 

The sound of Kaiden’s raucous flatulence filled his ears as Logan explored, and Kaiden moved over to the bed and bent over, pressing his stomach against the side of the headboard. He belched and farted deeply, his wind roaring. “Why am I so damn gassy?” he complained. He groaned, grunted, and succumbed again to another long burst of rushing flatulence. “Ugh…UUUUuuuuURRRRP!” He sighed after finishing. “I have to break wind every minute or so, and I haven’t even eaten yet.” He moved away from the bed, following Logan’s gaze. “You don’t know what that is, do you?” 

Logan was currently wondering where the chamber pots were, which would become very relevant after Kaiden’s meal. “I don’t, no.” 

Kaiden nodded, a smile coming over his face. “Most don’t. Elsten is a bit of a…I don’t know what the word is. Inventor? Scientist? He doesn’t make things himself, but he implements them. He has plumbing—pipes that take water and waste and move them about the castle. I don’t need to shit in a chamberpot—I can shit in any bath or dedicated space in the castle, and water will whisk it away. It’s quite nice, actually.” 

That was frankly amazing. “Things here are certainly luxurious.” 

“Noticed that too, did you?” Kaiden began rubbing his stomach. “Any prince who comes here gets the best treatment. As it should be.” He grinned. “Elsten is very pragmatic that way. We give him what he wants, whether its trading rights, military protection, wealth for his fields, or in the case of my mother, special privileges that not even I know about. In return we get food, comfort, money, flower dedicates…whatever we want.” He belched again, and took a few steps away from Logan to bend over and let out an enormous quantity of gas in a fart so loud it almost hurt Logan’s ears. “Ugh. Hold on, I need to…” He clenched his teeth and waved a hand behind himself, grimaced, and farted again. And again, the noise making conversation impossible for a few minutes, Kaiden’s coat fluttering. 

“Damn.” Kaiden cleared his throat. “But this room is one any royal who visits gets to use—so I get treated like the first son when I come here.” He smirked. “I wonder if they air it out before Theo or Pallax arrive.” 

“I wouldn’t know,” Logan said. Something Kaiden said wasn’t sitting well with him, like a piece of gristle between his teeth, but he didn’t want to ask. Flower dedicates. Men and women who had chosen a life of giving others pleasure, or as they were called in the third quarter, those who sold their bodies for money and advancement. Did Kaiden have sex with such men here? Logan knew that being present for such things would happen as a guard to someone higher in station. But the thought of Kaiden with someone else was both annoying and, even worse, arousing. 

He put the thought out of his mind. It wasn’t his right to worry about it. “I look forward to seeing more of these luxuries,” he said. 

“Me too,” Kaiden said. “Chief among them, dinner.”

***

It was evening by the time the carriage had arrived and Kaiden changed for dinner. He wore a distracting set of clothes, a tight shirt and what looked like an apron combination that Logan guessed would be easy to remove. The apron barely covered his ass. “For the baths,” Kaiden said, but didn’t elaborate.

Logan’s meal was at a small table near the door, and at Kaiden’s insistence, was spiced liberally. Even without his sense of smell, he could taste the heat, and it made the meal enjoyable enough. 

Kaiden, of course, received a meal fit for a prince. Or three princes, considering the amount of food on the table, dwarfing even the meals he received back home. 

“As it was such a success last time, the chef has included the softening element,” the servant said as he set a plate down in front of Kaiden. “Enjoy.” 

“Thank you,” Kaiden said. Other than the Prince and Logan, the room was empty, the servants content to hide in what looked like spy tunnels but were probably just servant’s tunnels. If something went wrong—like when Kaiden dropped his fork—they would appear and remedy it, but they were experts at keeping themselves unobtrusive. Logan almost envied them. 

“Don’t sit over there,” Kaiden said. Logan looked up. “This table’s big enough. Join me here.” 

Logan obeyed, taking a seat diagonal from Kaiden’s place at the head of the table. He had just finished a steak and was working on a plate of heaping mashed potatoes and greens. 

“Good, yeah? Were the spices alright?” 

“Very good,” Logan said. Kaiden nodded, clearly pleased.

“I would share this with you, but one, I’m supposed to eat it all, and two…ooh.” Kaiden’s stomach gave a twisting gurgle, and he leaned to the side toward Logan. Logan didn’t hear anything, but the relieved expression that crept over Kaiden’s face let him know the Prince had just passed a large amount of gas. “Ahhhh.” He resumed a normal posture. “The cooks put in a special…chemical, I guess, to make the food easier to digest and easier to, er, pass. With luck I won’t be straining all night. And the mess will be easier with the pipes and baths. Its fine for me, but is likely too strong for someone without magicked bowels.” 

Logan eyed the food. “And its safe?” 

“Like I said, safe for me.” Kaiden chuckled. “Pallax tried it once. Shit himself, of course, and was likely loose for days, though he’ll deny it. Knowing how it affects me, I can’t even imagine what it would do a normal person.”

“I’ll be sure to be careful of what I eat here,” Logan said. 

“So we have time while I eat,” Kaiden said as he began another plate of food—Logan thought it was fish, but fish would be unusual in the area. How was it kept fresh? “Tell me about your home life. Who are you supplying back home with the money you make here? Or is it just you?”

It took Logan a second to adjust to the question. “My mother and sister,” he said. “There’s no one else.”

“No one?” Kaiden’s bowels suddenly rumbled, his stomach growling in a way Logan had never heard before, but if it gave Kaiden any discomfort he didn’t let on. “No spouse, significant other?” 

“None. I wouldn’t court anyone with a job like mine, not until it was completed.” 

Kaiden narrowed his eyes. “Why not?” 

“Being a guard is safer, but either way, life as a guard, or as a soldier?” Logan raised a hand. “Someone relying on such support? What would he do if I died?” 

Kaiden’s eyebrows rose, and cold water ran through Logan’s veins when he realized he had let on that he preferred men. Too late now. At least he knew Kaiden wouldn’t judge him. 

“He would be lucky to have the time with you that he did,” Kaiden said. “A fine specimen like you, staying alone?” He shook his head. 

Logan’s face grew warm. “Thank you, my prince.” He didn’t know how else to respond. It felt like Kaiden was always a step ahead of him when it came to anything social. 

“I told you, call me Kaiden. Especially after I compliment you.” Kaiden’s smile turned into a grimace, though, when his bowels rumbled again. “ooooh…” He leaned to the side again, and this time the fart wasn’t silent and didn’t look nearly as relieving. 

“Ahhh….hngh…” Kaiden kept passing gas, and soon enough leaned forward in his chair, ripping fart after fart so loud it sounded like cracking wood. He gasped and panted as he did, his face red. 

“That damn stuff is speeding my bowels up,” he said. “I need to finish this fast.” Logan eyed the meals. There were three plates left, one of which was a delicious looking pie. After all Kaiden had put away, he couldn’t imagine him eating more, but the Prince finished all three within a few minutes, licking his fingers afterward. 

“Sometimes I wonder if he doesn’t put in some sort of drug to make them taste better,” Kaiden said. “Or…Oh.” He clutched his stomach, the gurgling sound obvious again. He stood up from the table, taking a few steps away, then stopped when his bowels gurgled again.

Logan put a hand on his shoulder. “Are you alright?” He glanced at the empty plates. Poison would be so easy, and there would be nothing he could do…

“That was faster than I thought.” Kaiden belched, farted, and then cursed. “Oh damn. Won’t make it to the baths for this one.” 

He snapped his fingers, bent over, and pulled up the strange apron he wore to reveal his ass. Then the muscles in his thighs tightened, his eyes squeezing shut. 

A servant with a chamber pot moved so fast Logan barely saw it, but it was placed behind Kaiden just as he pushed out an enormous turd. It was thicker than Logan’s arm, and looked impossible to pass, but it almost flowed out of the Prince, a two foot tube of solid shit that looked like it was being shoved out impossibly fast. 

When it hit the chamber pot with a heavy thud, Logan saw why. Kaiden squatted further and with a mix of grunting and farting, began spraying a thick sludge of liquid waste into the chamber pot below him. He groaned as he did, and Logan wasn’t sure if it was due to discomfort or relief. 

“Whew.” Kaiden gasped when the onslaught stopped. “That one might explain all the gas earlier.” He belched and farted, then stood. “Time to show you the baths, Logan, because that’s going to keep happening. I told you about the softener’s effects.” 

Logan blinked in surprise, but recovered quickly. Kaiden stood up, farting as he walked with purpose toward the door. Logan hurried to follow, as did the servant, probably there in case of another gassy explosion. 

The baths were right next door to the room Kaiden was staying in, and Logan took in the sight when the doors swung open. It was like an enormous version of the sink in the bedroom, but there were multiples of them, each filled with water that would come up to a man’s knees. The water flowed, and Logan almost stopped Kaiden, afraid he would somehow slip or wash away. 

He froze when Kaiden stripped off all his clothes. The Prince stood naked, pale skin and hair gleaming, his muscles in stark definition. The sight was gorgeous. 

But Kaiden wasn’t here to show off, or for pleasure. He sat down in the water of one of the baths, sighing in contentment, the water covering him up to his chest as he lounged. It flowed from one pipe down through another at the end, and Logan saw the purpose immediately. 

Kaiden could shit in peace, and it would all flow away. It was ingenious, and probably doubly luxurious for Kaiden. 

“This is mostly why I come here,” Kaiden said. Logan sat cross-legged next to the bath. “I hate feeling so dirty after shitting for hours, and seeing it there until they take it away. Here…I can just go.” He grinned and began massaging his stomach, and was rewarded with the appearance of a stream of bubbles. “When I can relax this much, and the water’s washing over my aching stomach…It feels nice.” 

A muffled gurgling came from the water, and Kaiden inhaled. “Here we go,” he said, and his jaw tensed, water swirling as he spread his legs. 

He began shitting so hard the water turned brown as it flowed away and out of the room, and he groaned as he let go. Gas mixed with it, the sound a mixture of squelching and boots on mud with the occasional ripping of wet paper as his release became more gaseous or more solid, alternating between the two as it went on. Bubbles burst on the surface of the water seconds after each eruption of sound, and the entire mess flowed away. 

Kaiden took another breath. “I’m not going to be able to stop for a while,” he said, and put his hands on his stomach, pressing down. More shit flowed into the water, and Kaiden spread his legs wider, wiggling his hips, staining the water as he bore down. He leaned his head back, letting loose an enormous fart that erupted in a bubble that broke and splashed the sides of the tub in between waves of shit, and if it weren’t for the tell-tale tension in his stomach as he defecated profusely, Logan would guess he was completely relaxed.

“Hmm…” Kaiden lifted his head. “This feels good.” 

The door to the baths opened, and a young man came in, probably a year or two older than Kaiden. He was obviously attractive, and wore a tight shirt and very short pants. On his hip was a flower mark—someone who had chosen the profession of giving pleasure. Logan’s hands tensed. This man was offering Kaiden sex. 

Luxuries indeed. 

The man knelt by the edge of the bath, and if he was disgusted at all by Kaiden’s releases into the water, he gave no sign. “Would you like a massage, Kaiden?” he asked, his voice deep and resonant. 

Logan couldn’t hide his frown. This man was permitted to use Kaiden’s name? Had Kaiden asked him to in the past? 

Kaiden opened his eyes, glancing once at Logan and back to the man. Logan was familiar enough with Kaiden to read his expressions by now. Kaiden’s gaze traveled over the man, his eyes going dark with obvious arousal. Of course he wanted a massage. It would help him relax his bowels. So would an orgasm, which is what Logan was sure this man would provide. 

Kaiden tensed and farted, probably not on purpose, biting his lip as the fart smoothed out into more heavy defecation, the water swirling a dark brown. “No thank you,” he said. Logan blinked in surprise. 

The man nodded once. “If you change your mind, simply ring the bell.” Logan looked around, not seeing a bell anywhere. Probably some sort of euphemism. 

Kaiden tensed up further when the man left, and more bubbles flowed and burst into the water. He sighed, and sat up a little straighter, grimacing and bearing down hard. The water cleared as it flowed away. 

“I guess it doesn’t soften everything…Hrrgh...” He grasped the sides of the tub, then relaxed, leaning back. “Damnit, it’s always one near the end…ugh.” He bore down again. Nothing happened, but the water took on a yellow tinge, and he sighed. “Never be with someone when you have to piss,” he said, and Logan gave a light chuckle, but he wondered again at how the man was permitted to use Kaiden’s name. 

Kaiden relaxed for a minute or so, emptying his bladder into the water. When that stopped, he belched, then began bearing down again. “I hate being this full,” he said. “There’s so much backed up but there’s just one….damn… …Hrrrgh…” He spread his legs wider, his muscles going completely taut and his face reddening. 

Logan leaned forward. “I can help. I’m…” he swallowed down nerves. “I’m no masseuse, but if you need help…” 

“Yes,” Kaiden said between clenched teeth. “If you can just press down, that would help a lot.”

Logan knelt by the edge of the bath, careful not to slip and fall in. It was like an unnatural pond, one that flowed. He leaned over, and placed both hands flat on Kaiden’s stomach. He knew better than to be tender, and pushed down with both hands, surprised by how much pressure and muscle there was. 

“There we go!” Kaiden’s body tightened, and suddenly an enormous turd began to dome out of him, growing in thickness and length as he pushed it out. “Ah…ah…Ahhhh!” Kaiden sighed in utter relief as he passed it, immediately following it up with another eruption of liquid shit that clouded the water completely. This one went on for a long time, Kaiden sighing and shuddering as he emptied his overfull bowels. Logan couldn’t truly estimate how much Kaiden had passed since it all disappeared into the pipes, but he guessed it was twice as much as usual.

“Oh, I want to sleep,” Kaiden said after another eruption. “I think I’m done for now.” 

“Do you…need any more help?” Logan asked. Kaiden looked exhausted, but he shook his head as he stood. He put a hand below, aiming as he began to piss again into the flowing water, releasing a long fart that lasted the 30 seconds he emptied his bladder. When he was done, he stepped out, and a servant appeared with an enormous fluffy towel. 

“It’s nice to have soft shits,” Kaiden said with a sigh, wiping off his shoulders as he walked toward the door. “The only problem with it all is that its exhausting.” His stomach gurgled. “And…oh.” 

He doubled over, removing the towel and letting loose with a fart that propelled a hearty volume of liquid shit a good ten feet back over the floor. 

“And it never ends,” he said with a weak smile and an apologetic look at the servant who appeared from a wall to clean. “So much for being done.”


	8. Tensions

Even after emptying his bowels and washing himself clean, Kaiden couldn’t stop farting all night. Logan was used to it, of course, but it was so frequent—and so loud—that it kept Kaiden awake as well. 

“The food was good and it feels good to get the gas out, but its annoying to have it be so…constant,” Kaiden said with a sigh. “Like now.” He bore down and sighed with relief at the ear-splitting fart that resulted, the sound going on and on, fluttering the bedcurtains. 

He had given up on clothing after his bath, and Logan tried hard not to be distracted. Perhaps it would be easier if he was disgusted by Kaiden’s farting, but such things had never mattered to him. It was just part of the package of what was his Prince. 

“Ooh…” Another fart erupted from Kaiden’s spot on the fancy four-poster bed, and Kaiden moved onto all fours, sticking his butt up in the air. “This one’s going to be big…” 

Logan actually had to cover his ears at the sound, like thirty men with trumpets all blowing off-key at once. Kaiden’s body was taut, his face red, as he gave himself completely over to venting his stuffed bowels of an enormous volume of gas. When it stopped he sighed in relief for a few moments before it began again. 

“At least it doesn’t smell too bad,” Kaiden said, plopping over on his side on the pillows when he was finished. “Although you can’t smell it, can you?” 

“No,” Logan said. 

Kaiden grunted and farted again. “Ugh, my stomach.” 

“Are you well?” 

“Of course.” Another loud fart, this one short. “Its just trapped wind at times. And there’s a lot of it.” He grunted, then belched and farted simultaneously. “Usually Elsten sends someone to rub my stomach.” 

Logan blinked, unsure. “Oh?” 

“Oh, as in, get over here.” Kaiden lifted his head and smirked. “Must I always be so direct with you?” 

Logan crossed the room, noting that the air neared the prince around the bed felt slightly warmer—or maybe it was his imagination, after hearing the Prince let loose with near never-ending flatus for the past few hours. Kaiden rolled over onto his back, crooking a finger when Logan hesitated again. The Prince was completely naked, the muscles in his thighs quaking when he spread them and loosed another fart. 

“You want me to…” 

“Rub my stomach, yes.” Kaiden rolled his eyes, and actually covered his mouth when he belched this time. “It feels nice. And you don’t mind, right?” 

He could say no. This was…improper. He was a lowly guard, and Kaiden was his prince. He had done it before, of course, but now Kaiden was naked, and touching him would be…

It felt wrong because he would enjoy it more this time, Logan realized, on a level he was certain a guard was not supposed to enjoy the presence of his prince. Kaiden’s taut abdomen, his soft flesh…it was too inviting. Not to mention he could barely tear his eyes away from Kaiden’s penis. He wondered how large it would get if…

No. Best not to think about that. 

“Uurgh…” Kaiden’s stomach gave a warning grumble, and he shifted his weight, spreading his legs wider. “Hurry up, or I really will have to deal with trapped wind,” he snapped, frustration edging his voice. He grunted, clearly bearing down for another fart. 

Logan took a breath and put his hands on his naked Prince, massaging the top of his stomach. His skin was smooth, and muscles were evident beneath his fingers, although there was also a firm roundness that was probably Kaiden’s ever-present bloat. Logan pressed down. 

“Oh yeah, here it comes…” Logan pressed down further, and was rewarded with an ear-splitting burst of flatulence from the prince. It changed in pitch and tone as Logan kept pushing down, massaging the prince’s stomach and moving his hands lower, as if pushing out the gas the way one would knead a ball of dough. Kaiden sighed, almost a moan, releasing fart after fart with every movement of Logan’s hands. 

Logan expected the prince to stop after a while, for the gas to run out. But it just kept coming in long, windy bursts, Kaiden biting his lip as he aided Logan’s massage by pushing down, muscles going taut beneath Logan’s fingers and making him push harder to get the same effect. It went for ten, then twenty minutes, Kaiden’s face flushing. He let out sighs and moans of relief after particularly loud farts, and each pause in the sound of ripping flatulence was punctuated with Kaiden’s grunts of effort to release the next. He would belch at times as well, covering his mouth with his arm and muffling long, deep burps. 

Logan didn’t mind the noises, or the feeling of the Prince’s wind brushing his legs during particularly forceful farts. But he couldn’t deny he liked touching his prince this way, and guilt warred with pleasure. 

“It feels so good,” Kaiden said after another enormous fart, his words sending heat to Logan’s face. “You’re good at this.” 

“Thank you,” Logan said after another ten second fart had died down, knuckling further into the prince’s stomach while the prince groaned. The next fart was quieter but more voluminous, Logan noting how Kaiden’s hole fluttered as it released the fart in a series of quiet, gassy rushes that went on for nearly a full minute. 

Kaiden’s face reddened further as he let out a sigh of utter relief. “I feel less bloated now, but…I need to relax more,” he said, wiggling his hips. Logan’s heart beat faster as Kaiden’s penis, easy to ignore up until now, began to thicken into an obvious erection. “It feels good, is all,” Kaiden said, icy eyes meeting Logan’s in a quiet acknowledgement. “Please, don’t stop.” 

Logan wished he knew what to do. His own arousal was threatening to match Kaiden’s. The prince’s cock was long, thick, and beautiful, and part of Logan wanted to take it into his hand, massage Kaiden in the way his body obviously craved. 

No. He couldn’t. But Kaiden had said not to stop, so he didn’t, pushing in further onto his prince’s stomach. While the prince groaned with obvious pleasure and vented his overfull bowels, Logan’s mind whirled. What did this mean? Why now? Was it just…was it just the pleasure of farting so much, the relief, that had Kaiden so aroused? Or was it Logan? Was it just a side effect of being touched, or was it something more? 

He looked down at Kaiden again, meeting his eyes, but the prince was currently covering his face with his arm, succumbing to a series of long belches. Logan looked back, his ears ringing with the sound of an enormous fart that had just begun, at Kaiden’s thick, gorgeous erection. 

This was his prince. To touch him the way he wanted to touch him would be…completely, utterly improper. Not to mention that it would change things. Up until now, Logan had been a servant, a guard. If he did this….stroked his prince…could he still be a guard? What would it mean for his future? 

Kaiden stopped belching, meeting Logan’s eyes. Logan kept massaging, but uncertainty made his hands weak, his strokes less firm. He was careful to avoid the inviting erection. 

Kaiden’s face was flushed, his breathing deep and fast. Tension hung in the air, and for a moment, Logan wondered if he should just say something. Ask what Kaiden wanted. Kaiden knew Logan liked men now, so was this an invitation, or not? He was a guard, not one to read his prince’s mind and interpret complicated social signals. He understood danger, but not this sort of danger. His hands stopped, and he hoped they didn’t shake. He wanted to touch his prince, to bring him pleasure, but…he was a guard. It wasn’t right to feel that way for his prince! 

“My prince, I…” Logan drew his hands back, his gaze flicking to Kaiden’s thick erection. “Perhaps that’s enough?” 

Kaiden’s brows drew down. “That’s enough, then” he said, his voice flat. He waved a hand, his face still flushed, his eyes heavy-lidded. “Close the bedcurtains,” he said. 

Logan drew back, doing so, his last glimpse of Kaiden lying down on his pillows. He wanted privacy for this, obviously. 

Logan stood by the door, his body as tense as though he were preparing for a battle. Kaiden farted, the bed curtains fluttering, but now his breathing didn’t match his farting, instead coming in the quick, desperate pants of a man succumbing to his own desires. Logan couldn’t ignore the sounds, or his own body’s reactions to them. He wanted to be the one stroking Kaiden. He wanted to be the one eliciting those sounds, to feel Kaiden beneath his hands. 

Kaiden let out a gasp, and then let loose with a series of farts, quick ones that were obviously the sounds of bowels relaxing after the tension of pleasure finally released. Logan faced the door, trying to ignore his own aching erection that tented the front of his pants. 

He waited, but the prince didn’t say anything more, quiet in the privacy of his bedcurtains save for the occasional fart. He was likely going to sleep. 

Logan wondered if he had made a mistake. 

***

“Going on a ride this early?” Elsten asked. The sun had barely peeked over the horizon, but Kaiden had woken up and insisted on an early morning ride. 

“I figured I would enjoy your beautiful forests before I spend the rest of the day shitting from all of your delicious food at breakfast,” Kaiden said with a grin. “I know what I’m here for.” 

Elsten let out a chuckle. “I want only the best for you, of course.” 

Kaiden nodded. His gaze met Logan’s for a brief moment, his expression shadowed, then added “If you could have a man waiting for me after my return…” 

Elsten nodded and gave a wave of his hand along with a half-bow. “Of course.” 

Logan’s jaw tensed, and he hid a frown by checking his sword at his hip. Kaiden was a prince, and not for him. It was better this way, wasn’t it? No more temptation. 

He wanted to make conversation as they waited for the groom to retrieve their horses, but nothing came to mind. Soon enough, they were headed into the woods near Elsten’s manor, the sky overhead breaking into a rosy pink dawn. It was a beautiful day, the air crisp and cool with the promise of a warm afternoon. Riding after Kaiden, on a finely bred horse, should have been relaxing. They rode in silence for a time, the sun creeping toward mid-morning, the twittering of birds and the light rush of wind through trees a counterpoint to Logan’s uneasy thoughts. 

Logan couldn’t get the previous night out of his mind. Kaiden, erect and clearly willing. Afterward, standing frustrated while the Prince pleasured himself. And now, Kaiden would invite in some flower dedicate to be with while Logan would have to be in the room. 

Other guards had talked about such things. It was just a part of the job, a way to keep their charges safe. Everyone had heard the story of Prince Ostrach, two generations ago, murdered by a flower dedicate who had entered the profession just to kill him. Now, guards almost never left their charges side, even during the most intimate times. But Logan didn’t want to be there while his prince enjoyed time with someone else. 

Someone who wasn’t him. 

Jealousy was foolish. He knew that. He would just have to deal with it. 

Kaiden’s farting interrupted his thoughts, and he glanced up at his prince on his fine new horse. He hoped the awkwardness he felt was just in his own mind. 

“You said you liked men, yes?” Kaiden said. 

Logan swallowed down nerves. “Yes, my prince,” he said. 

“Call me Kaiden, damnit. I’ve told you that how many times?” 

“Yes…Kaiden.” 

“Good.” But Kaiden didn’t smile, rubbing his stomach absent-mindedly. “Perhaps I’ll ask Elsten for a flower dedicate to service you. Would you like that?” Kaiden held his gaze, his blue eyes piercing and his expression hard to read. 

Logan gripped the reins of his horse tighter. He didn’t want that. He wanted Kaiden. Did Kaiden think he wanted someone else? Was he trying to be kind? Would it be insulting if he said no? 

He had thought being a guard would be simple. But with Kaiden, nothing ever was. 

Something nearby snapped, a twig or a branch, and adrenaline flowed through his veins. Not even the horses reacted, Blue’s ears not even twitching, but old instincts made Logan kick Blue closer to Kaiden. 

Kaiden’s eyes narrowed. “What…” 

Logan drew his sword, swinging it overhead just as something flew through the air toward them. His sword cut through rope, and he realized it was a net as the ropes fell to the ground. 

Split second decisions. “Kaiden, run toward the manor,” he commanded, but even as he spoke, two arrows whizzed past, coming from two different directions. Then a shout. 

“Don’t shoot, fools, we want him alive!” 

“Damnit,” Kaiden swore, and he swerved his mount around. To the animal’s credit, it didn’t spook, though its ears lay flat. Warhorse indeed. 

“Run!” Logan shouted, and reached out to give Logan’s mount a slap on the rump to get it moving. But before he could, five armed men left the cover of the trees, holding swords and surrounding them. Running wasn’t an option. 

“You’re surrounded. May as well come peacefully,” the leader said. 

In response, Logan swung his sword, aiming for the man’s neck. The slash hit another man’s sword. Five was too many—how on earth had they snuck up on them? 

Going out alone had been stupid. Being so distracted had been stupid. But he wouldn’t keep making mistakes. Fighting was the one thing he was good at, even if the odds looked grim. 

He kicked his horse in the side and pulled back on the reins, making it rear and kick. One thud and a jolt from his horse let him know a kick had connected. He swung out his sword, making the men back off, and made the horse sidestep closer to Kaiden. 

Kaiden was unarmed. Damnit. He needed to make an opening, and then they could run! 

Two more arrows, low to the ground. Kaiden’s horse jumped, and Logan’s horse shuddered beneath him. Damnit. 

Logan jumped off the wounded animal, grimacing at the sight of two arrows sticking out of the horse’s chest. Poor Blue. 

But he didn’t have time to think. He had to act to defend his prince. “Run!” he shouted again, and then the attackers were on him. 

Sparks arced off his sword as he blocked an attack, and then another, two men swinging at him from the front while two more went after Kaiden. Logan ignored his own attackers, slashing at the ones who were trying to grab the reins of Kaiden’s horse. His sword connected with one, opening a gash across the man’s back, but turning his back on his own attackers earned him a club across the head that sent stars into his eyes. 

He stumbled, but the weakness and blackness he expected didn’t come. The spell that made him unable to sleep had another useful effect—he couldn’t be knocked out. A royal guard would fight until nothing less than death. 

He turned and gave the man who had struck him a sword through the gut for his trouble. That was three down. Just two left. He could do this. 

Then his sword burned hot in his hand, searing so hard it felt almost cold. He dropped it with a yelp, certainty flooding through him along with dread. 

They had a mage. 

He turned, intent on defending Kaiden with just his fists, but it was too late. Two more men had come from the trees, dragging the struggling prince off his horse. Logan leapt for him, but the two other men jumped him, pinning him to the ground and holding a sword to his throat. 

Logan hated magic. 

“Take him,” a voice said from the trees. “Employer wants the prince alive. Kill the guard.” 

Logan struggled against his captors, a sword’s edging glinting in the corner of his vision.

“No!” Kaiden screamed. “Harm him and…I’ll kill myself, and you’ll get nothing!” 

The sword’s edge didn’t fall. Logan surged against his captors, but with two against one, he could do nothing. 

“Take them both then,” the voice said. 

Logan weighed his options. Fight, likely to his death, or wait for an opportunity. He narrowed his eyes, preparing to spring again, to gain any advantage. 

“Enough, Logan,” Kaiden said, and his gaze was drawn to his prince, still regal even as a man wrenched his arms behind his back. “I order you to stop fighting.” He read the unspoken statement in Kaiden’s gaze. For now. 

Logan relaxed, letting their captors take them. He was a guard, but his first duty was to obey his prince. 

But he would make sure they both escaped. He just had to wait for their chance.


	9. Escape

Logan monitored everything as their captors took them. 

Twenty steps into the trees. Another one hundred and eighteen to the decrepit wagon that their captors had hidden in the drooping branches of a fallen willow. There were five men with them, three with swords, one with a dagger and a bow, and the fifth with no discernible weapon. Logan decided to assume he was the mage. 

“Let us go,” Kaiden said. “You’ve got the wrong man!” 

“Don’t think us fools,” the mage said. “You’re clearly prince Kaiden. No one else is as magic-marked as you, or do you think there are that many rich young men with magic-white hair running about?” 

Kaiden narrowed his eyes. “What do you want?” 

“What do you think?” one of the men with a sword on his hip said with a laugh. “You’ll produce for us. And then we ransom you for even more.” 

Kaiden clenched his jaw. “Who do you work for?” 

No one answered him, but Logan could guess. Kaiden’s rash decision at the party was coming back to haunt him. What confused him more was the mage. While he didn’t know that much about the wealth of minor nobles, he did know that paying a wizard was incredibly expensive. 

“Get in here.” Kaiden was shoved into the back of the carriage, and Logan was too. Logan wanted to fight, but Kaiden shook his head once, a quick jerk, when Logan strained against the bonds. Fine. He would settle for being tied up, at least for now. 

Both men’s arms were tied behind their backs, which were then fastened to a wooden beam at the back of the wagon by their wrists. It was horribly uncomfortable, but no worse than some of the pain Logan had been put through in training. 

Two horses pulled the carriage, the pace bouncing and fast. Four of the men jogged alongside, and Logan assumed the wizard was directing the horses. 

“Well, this is no good,” Kaiden said. He groaned, shifting his weight, and finally managed to lift his hips enough to get the angle he needed to fart. 

He had been holding it in, Logan realized, probably a last-ditch attempt to convince their captors they had the wrong person. The fart went on and on, Kaiden slumping when he finished. “Gas is all they’ll get,” he said. “I’ll refuse to eat.” 

“Will that work?” Logan asked. 

Kaiden moved his shoulders, clearly trying to get comfortable. “I don’t know. I ate a lot yesterday. But…” His stomach gurgled, and he farted again against the wooden floor. “Even if I go once, I won’t go again as long as I don’t eat more.” He grunted and farted so hard the floor of the carriage vibrated for the full ten second blast. “Sorry.” 

Logan blinked. “Don’t be. I don’t mind your gas.” 

“Not that.” Kaiden pulled against the ropes. “This. You’re in danger because of me.” 

“No, you’re in danger because I failed to protect you.” Logan glanced at the ceiling to the carriage. “We need to get out of here. If they get you to their destination, there’s no telling what they’ll do. If we escape now, we have a better chance.” 

“How?” Kaiden said. “Trying to escape now might just get you killed.” 

“And they could easily kill me once we arrive,” Logan said. 

“I won’t let that happen,” Kaiden said, his jaw set. “I won’t let them get anything they want.” His stomach rumbled, and he winced. 

Logan’s heart twisted. Kaiden was too confident, too used to having things go his own way, to realize just how many ways they could force him to do what they wanted. For now, their captors thought they had won. It was the best time to gain the upper hand. 

And if the desiccated wood on the bottom of the carriage was as weak as he thought it was, they had a chance. 

“I need you to do me a favor,” Logan said. “I need you to fart as loud as you can for a few seconds while I break the wood behind me. Breaking it will make noise—you need to drown it out.”

Kaiden’s eyebrows went up. “Give me a bit of time then,” he said. “If I hold it for a few minutes, you’ll have all the noise you need.” He frowned when his stomach rumbled again. “Although you may not need to wait long. All of this isn’t exactly calming for my stomach.” 

Logan nodded. “Don’t worry. I’ll get you out of here.” Once he was free, he could free Kaiden as well. Then the most pressing issue was the mage. With him taken care of, their chances became much better. 

Kaiden settled against the floor, his stomach gurgling. “Ugh.” He grimaced, learning forward. “I hope I don’t have to shit.” 

“If you do, you do,” Logan said. “As long as you can keep moving.” 

“I’m not a deer,” Kaiden said with a strained laugh, but there was no humor in it. “I hate this. Who do you think these people are?” 

Kaiden hadn’t guessed? “I assume Lord Callow’s men,” Logan answered. “Likely out to get a share of what they think they’re owed.” 

“That pompous….” Kaiden’s stomach gurgled louder, a dull roar that sounded deep, and he groaned. “Since when can Callow afford a wizard?” 

“We can answer that when we escape,” Logan said. Kaiden was leaning forward, his stomach already looking bloated. 

“I can’t hold it much more,” he said, panting. “I’m going to fart,” he added, this time with another groan. His body tensed, and he lifted his hips again, his face reddening as he bore down hard. 

The sound was ear splitting, Kaiden letting fly with everything he had. At the same moment, Logan surged against the wooden beam, the rope pulling against his wrists with fiery, burning pain. He gasped, and then a crack of wood sounded in his ears, nearly as loud as Kaiden’s rushing burst of flatulence. 

Logan rolled over onto his side, his arms still behind him. But that he could deal with. Getting out of ropes had been part of his training. He bore the pain as he wrenched his shoulders, getting his arms in front of his body.

Kaiden kept farting, groaning and grunting as he did. It didn’t look anywhere as pleasant to release as it had the day before, and Kaiden panted when he was done. “Stress isn’t good for my stomach,” he said again before letting out another long, airy rush of gas. He glanced up at Logan, raising an eyebrow. 

Logan’s arms were free, but his hands were still tied at the wrists. At least with that, though, he could kneel down and start untying Kaiden. The air around the Prince felt warm, and even though Logan couldn’t smell it he was sure it was because of Kaiden’s passing gas. He focused on manipulating the ropes that bound Kaiden’s wrists, working as fast as he could with his own tied hands. He had to lean in close, and he could hear the quiet rumbles and sloshes of Kaiden’s stomach. A pained gasp and sudden rush of warm air let him know Kaiden had broken more wind.   
“Sorry,” Kaiden said, his voice breathless. “There’s a lot…” the rush of air grew more forceful. Logan untied Kaiden’s wrists as the quiet fart turned ear-splitting, making Logan’s ears ring before he pulled back. 

Kaiden put one of his newly-freed hands on his stomach, pressing down and closing his eyes as he succumbed fully to the long bout of flatulence. Airy, windy ten second farts left him over and over for nearly three minutes. 

The air in the cabin grew warm and heavy. Kaiden groaned, lifting a leg, his ass bellowing one last time as it vented another load of gas. Then he relaxed with a sigh. 

Logan took the quiet moment of stillness to listen for their captors. He could hear faint laughter from outside, along with the jangle of something metal—likely one of the horses had some sort of chain on them. But the soldiers weren’t the concern. It was the wizard. 

He had the element of surprise. If he could kill the wizard without the other men noticing, and before the wizard could muster up magic, he could steal one of the horses and escape with Kaiden. But it would have to be perfect. 

“Untie my hands, please, my prince,” he said, kneeling down in front of Kaiden. His prince nodded, his face pale. He didn’t look well. If Logan hadn’t known better, he’d say Kaiden looked sick, but he knew all too well the wan, shaky face of someone who was facing their first battle. Kaiden, the man with magicked bowels and immunity to ailments, wasn’t sick. He was scared. 

And apparently, like with most men, it was wreaking havoc on his bowels. Kaiden began to vent gas again as he untied Logan’s wrists, wincing as he let loose with a round of flatulence that didn’t die down for nearly a full minute. 

“Try to stay calm,” Logan said. “I’ll get us out of this.” 

To his credit, Kaiden didn’t try and claim he wasn’t frightened. “I’ll try and hold it,” he said. “I trust you.” 

Pride and protectiveness swelled in Logan’s chest. This was his duty. He moved to the edge of the wagon, sensing every bounce as the horses trotted. He had no weapons. But he didn’t need them. All they really needed was to run. He felt along the side of the wood, finding the latch that would open the wagon to the driver’s seat. He could only hope that his assumption that the wizard was driving the horses was correct.

“When I say go, get on the horse,” Logan said. Kaiden nodded. “And ride, whether I join you or not.” 

He turned before he could see Kaiden’s nod, if he gave one. Another bounce along with a jangling noise—one of the horses had a lop-sided gait. Then he undid the latch and struck. 

It was sloppy. But he lunged forward, grabbing the driver by the neck and standing tall. The men jogging alongside shouted, but they couldn’t act fast enough. 

He twisted his arms, feeling bones crack. He didn’t like to kill, but he was a soldier. It had to be done. 

The men shouted again, one drawing his bow, another drawing a sword. “GO!” Logan shouted. Then he leapt at the man with the bow.

Dust skirled around him as he landed on the forest floor, but it was close enough that the bowman couldn’t get his weapon up in time. Logan grabbed the curved wood of the weapon, ignoring the screaming pain in his already damaged hands and wrists as he wrenched it like he had the man’s neck, cracking the wood. 

Lights exploded in his vision as someone struck the back of his head with a club. It didn’t matter. He was a royal guard. 

He answered the blow with one of his own, a heavy punch to the archer’s face that had the man screaming in pain. He turned, happiness swelling in his chest as he saw Kaiden on the horse’s back, the Prince slicing through the reins that attached the animal to the wagon with a jeweled dagger. He must have taken it off the mage’s body. 

But there wasn’t time to wonder. Three men were on him now, all with swords. He wouldn’t have time left to do much of anything. He just had to make sure Kaiden got away. 

He threw himself at the men with empty, flying fists, dodging sword strikes that promised to bring him down as soon as he made a mistake. But it wouldn’t be put down due to fatigue. He thanked the court wizard as he fought and dodged without growing tired, his body never heavy and his feet always light as he punched and kicked at the soldiers who would dare harm his Prince. His Kaiden. 

Then more light exploded in his eyes, making him miss a step. His fist caught a man’s gut, but another behind him kicked his knees, knocking him to the forest floor. Silver glinted in sunlight as the third raised his sword, and Logan knew he didn’t have time to dodge this strike. 

Then something whistled past him, the jeweled dagger blooming in the man’s gut. A horse shrieked, and suddenly Kaiden was there, the horse rearing and flailing hooves catching another man in the face. 

“With me, Logan,” Kaiden demanded, his face thunderous as he held out a hand to pull Logan onto the horse. All Logan could do was obey. 

***

Logan sat behind Kaiden on the horse, the animal already lathered from the weight of two men on its back and the pace Kaiden was setting. It was clearly no warhorse, but to its credit it could run well. They had to get as far as they could. The wizard was dead, but they had at least one other archer. They may have given up the chase, but a man willing to pay a wizard had probably paid a hefty sum, and the promise of money for men like those would likely outweigh their sense of risk. 

But for now, they were getting away. Even if it was in the wrong direction. 

“You need to go west,” Logan said after five minutes of frenzied galloping. “I would—“ 

The answer Kaiden gave was a startlingly loud burst of flatulence that practically vibrated the saddle and made Logan’s teeth rattle. This close, pressed up against Kaiden’s backside, the fart was intense, a full body experience. It went on and on, even the horse slowing as its ears tilted in confusion, and Kaiden put a hand to his stomach. The reins went slack in his other hand as his control of the animal faltered, the prince succumbing to his explosive bowels. 

The horse took the opportunity to stop and rest while Kaiden farted for an enormous amount of time that they couldn’t afford, the gas finally ending with Kaiden red-faced and panting. 

“My Prince, we should keep mov—” 

Kaiden farted again, this one a ten second blast. “Sorry…ngh…” Kaiden leaned forward on the horse, his ass aimed at Logan’s crotch this time when he began to fart again, another full minute rush of flatulence. “I can’t…ugh…stop…” 

The Prince was succumbing to a full-blown gas attack. Logan reached around and took the reins from him, leaning close so the prince could hear him over the sounds of his bowels. “Just try to relax,” Logan said. “I’ll get you out of here.” 

“Like you…ngh…” Whatever the prince was going to say was drowned out by his fart growing louder. Logan tried to ignore the strange sensations the vibrations of Kaiden’s farts were creating in his loins and snapped the reins, getting the horse moving again. 

The animal began to trot, its ears still flicking in confusion whenever Kaiden let loose with another loud fart. Logan kept the horse’s pace fast but not grueling. The last thing they wanted was to run the animal to exhaustion, only to be caught by the men chasing them. 

But as they kept on at a trot, there was no sign of any pursuit, or arrows from the trees. Logan skirted the area in a wide circle, slowly correcting their course and heading back toward the Duke’s manor. The sun was high overhead, and surely by now someone was looking for them. Logan wondered what the repercussions would be for the attempt to kidnap Kaiden. He had no proof it was Callow’s men, only suspicions. Then again, it wasn’t his job to lead investigations, only to keep Kaiden safe. 

One more fart erupted against his crotch, Kaiden tensing in front of him and farting for nearly a half minute before sighing with detectable frustration. 

“Are you well?” Logan asked. 

“You always ask,” Kaiden said. “And I’m always fine.” His voice was short and clipped, and disappointment mixed with worry squirmed in Logan’s veins. 

“I am sorry, my prince,” he said. 

Kaiden sighed, and it sounded pained, though this time there was no answering fart. “Like I said, I’m fine,” he said. “You did your job well. Overpowering five men, one a mage…its impressive.” 

He didn’t sound impressed. He sounded tired, or worried, not at all like the usual confident prince Logan was used too. Hopefully it was nothing, just more trapped wind or perhaps even a need to move his bowels. But somehow, Logan didn’t think that was the problem, even if by now Kaiden likely did need to have a movement. 

“We will get back soon,” Logan assured him. “If we follow the sun in its course, I am sure we will spot the Manor within a few hours. And by now, his men may be looking for us, so we may find them on the trail.” 

“And if we find the men who attempted to kidnap me?” Kaiden said. 

“I will protect you.” 

Kaiden turned his head so that he could peer at Logan out of the corner of his eye. “How?” 

Tension fizzed in his shoulders. “The same way I did before. I will fight them, or hold them off if need be while—“ 

Kaiden grit his teeth, his muscles tensing. “No. You’re not doing that again.” 

Logan blinked. “My prince?” 

“And that. How many times have I told you to call me Kaiden?” He raised his voice, a bird flying away from its perch on a tree. “I’m so tired of you being such a…” he winced, farting again, this one low and deep. “…Such a proper guard!” 

Logan felt like he stepped in a puddle that was far deeper than he had thought. “My p…Kaiden, I don’t understand.” 

“Of course you don’t.” Kaiden groaned and farted again, bending forward on the horse and raising his hips to get the angle he needed to expel more gas. He forced out so much the air seemed to shimmer around them. “Damnit. I’m not going to make it back to the manor if it takes much longer. I’ve had to shit for the past hour.”

Logan knew better than to ask him to hold it. “Is there somewhere you can go where it won’t lead to…” he didn’t know what would happen. Trees and weeds growing out of control? 

“Find a river,” Kaiden said. “If you can.” 

“That will make it easy for us to be found,” Logan said. “They may even be counting on that.” 

“You’re so paranoid.” Kaiden groaned and passed more wind, sighing when his fart sputtered short. He took Logan’s hand and placed it on his stomach, which felt taut and distended. “At least we got away.” 

“With your help,” Logan said. He didn’t know why Kaiden was angry with him, could only assume it was his own failure. “If I was more skilled…” 

“No,” Kaiden said. “Damnit, its not you. It mean, it is, but…Ugh…” his thighs began to shake, and he leaned forward, his leather-clad ass practically in Logan’s face. He was clearly fighting not to shit himself, and the tension ended with another hot rush of air from a silent, voluminous fart. “You need to hurry,” he said.

Logan remembered his stress from the party, and how Kaiden had lost control. He kicked the horse to a canter, hoping the animal could maintain the pace. He didn’t know the area, but he knew the direction of the manor. He was sure they could get back. 

Kaiden couldn’t stop farting, every hoofstrike wrenching more gas from him. Finally, he groaned loudly, and farted so loud and hard that Logan brought the horse a stop. 

“I need to go,” Kaiden said over the noise of his fart. “I’m…going to lose it.” 

Logan glanced around their surroundings. A willow tree had fallen here, and recently, the branches creating a curtain of decaying green and brown. If Kaiden had to go, and there was no river nearby, this would be the best place to hide. 

“Can you…” Kaiden was grunting, leaning forward on the horse’s neck, his thighs shaking from the tension of holding in what must be an enormous load of waste and gas. “Damnit.” 

Logan understood. He helped Kaiden off the horse, the Prince leaning against him for a few steps away from the animal toward the tree. Kaiden took small steps, his thighs shaking, and groaned as he undid his belt. He started farting as he walked, his walk turning into an impromptu half squat. When he finally pulled down his pants, there was already an enormous turd nearly as thick as a man’s forearm hanging several inches from his rear. 

Kaiden sighed and began to shit, the turd rapidly growing in size. There was no privacy here, no cover of a chamber pot or a body of water, the pile beneath Kaiden growing enormous. But Logan didn’t care. 

“I hate that they might find this,” Kaiden said in between grunts of effort. “But I couldn’t hold it back.” 

“It doesn’t matter if they get it,” Logan said. “They won’t get you.”

“That’s the first intelligent thing you’ve said all day,” Kaiden snapped. He took a deep breath, his body tensing, Logan trying not to stare at the sheer size of his leavings. The shit coiled out of him like a long, thick brown snake, piling over and over on itself, growing thinner in places and then thicker again. His bowels must have been stuffed completely full. 

Kaiden’s thighs began to quake, but the pile of his shit was already so high he couldn’t fully squat. He took a few shaky steps forward, then got onto his hands and knees, taking a breath and pushing again. The shit never stopped. A chamberpot, not even the large ones Kaiden used, never would have contained it. 

“Ugh.” Kaiden grunted hard, the shit thickening, and then it finally snapped off. He gasped a few times, rubbing his stomach, which was still bloated and distended. 

“I can hold the rest…for now,” he said. “For a little while.” He didn’t sound very sure. 

“Is it safe for you?” Logan said. “I don’t want you to be in pain.” 

Kaiden met his eyes. “If you care about my pain, why did you nearly throw your life away?” he said. 

Suddenly everything clicked in Logan’s mind. Kaiden’s stress. His snapping at him. It was fear, yes, but not just for himself. 

For Logan, too. 

He didn’t know what to say. It felt like a mistake. He was a guard, not someone a Prince should care about. But Kaiden did. It was obvious. 

How could he defend someone who cared for him like that? A guard should be willing to die for his Prince. Logan certainly was. But if dying brought Kaiden pain, if even the risk of it would hurt him…

But anyone would be hurt by anyone dying for them. A Prince should be used to that. 

But Kaiden was young. And maybe expecting that of any Prince wasn’t fair. 

“I…I have to defend you,” Logan said. 

“Why?” Kaiden retorted. He farted loudly, but they both ignored it. “Tell me now, Logan, and be honest. If you aren’t honest, I’ll dismiss you, right now.” Dismiss him, with Kaiden alone and succumbing to his bowel’s demands in the middle of a forest. But Logan didn’t doubt him. “Why do you fight to defend me? Is it because of duty? Or because you care for me more than a guard should?” 

Logan opened and closed his mouth. He knew what the truth was. But he didn’t know what it would mean if he let it be known.

“Tell me, Logan. Not answering is the same as lying.” 

His jaw tensed, the muscles in his shoulders bunching. The truth would change everything. What if his feelings caused Kaiden to dismiss him? What if Kaiden rejected him? What if…what if…

“Now, Logan.” Kaiden’s blue eyes were like ice. 

The truth. Logan licked dry lips. “I do care for you,” he said. “More than a guard should.” The words hung in the air.

Kaiden nodded. Before he could answer, horse hooves beat in the distance. Logan drew his sword, turning to meet the threat. 

He lowered it when he saw Elsten, the Duke himself on a piebald warhorse. “Kaiden!” he said, ignoring Logan entirely. “Thank goodness you’re safe!” 

Kaiden was safe. But suddenly Logan wasn’t as sure about the safety of his position as a guard.


	10. Kaiden's Decision

“I’ll have a doctor look you over immediately,” Elsten said as his guard escorted them back to the manor. “And –“ 

Kaiden waved a hand, grimacing as he leaned over the horse Elsten had provided and loudly passed an enormous amount of wind. “I think, immediately, I will have to visit the baths.” 

“Of course,” Elsten said. “Do not worry. And also don’t worry about your assailants. We will find them and bring them to you for justice. I have already sent men searching.” The old Duke’s hands gripped the reins hard. 

Logan rode behind them. He could guess at the Duke’s justice. Someone snatching a Prince on his territory was insulting and made him look lax, and if he hadn’t clearly already had Kaiden’s cooperation and favor, Logan would suspect Elsten of helping to arrange the attempted capture. Even so, Logan would be wary the rest of his time here. 

Of course, vigilance was second nature. But Logan had other concerns worming in his mind.

He had admitted to his feelings for Kaiden, both to the prince and to himself. He cared for the prince more than he should. 

No amount of training had prepared him for this. Drills had focused on swordplay, on the importance of protection, on laying down his life for his charge. He would still do that. It was what every guard was trained to do. He loved his country, and loved the queen and her three sons. 

But it was supposed to be patriotic love, not…desire. Certainly not the desire he felt for Kaiden. 

Once they returned to the Duke’s castle, Logan followed behind Kaiden, his hand on his sword. Kaiden moved fast, his gait hurried as he headed to the baths he had luxuriated in last night. 

But this time it didn’t seem as luxurious. He disrobed quickly from the tattered clothes he had been captured in, farting as he did. As soon as he got into the water he froze, his face reddening. His bloated stomach went taut, and the water filled with bubbles for a few moments before he sighed, relaxed, then tensed again. 

Logan couldn’t see the results as they were whisked away into the water, but he could tell the Prince was having a massive bowel moment. Kaiden clenched his fists in the water, his body bent over, his eyes squinted shut as he grunted. Sounds burbled from the water, and sometimes from Kaiden’s gut as what must be a vast load mixed with gas rumbled on its way out of him. It went on and on, Kaiden still in the water as servants came to and fro, bringing clothes and making sure the water still flowed. Each time Logan thought the prince must be finished, Kaiden would bend over and being straining all over again. The light from the windows grew dim as Logan waited. 

Part of him wished Kaiden would speak with him, and discuss what Logan had said. Tension hung in the air, and Logan could do nothing about it. But with Kaiden busy emptying his bowels, it clearly wasn’t the right time to talk. 

“That damn wizard was right,” Kaiden said with a groan after one particularly long straining session. “Holding it means there’s more.”

“At least you get to relax,” Logan offered. 

Kaiden raised an eyebrow, grunting and straining as another stream of bubbles broke the surface. “Does this look particularly relaxing?” 

Logan was saved from answering by the entrance of an older man wearing plain woolen robes. Logan put a hand on the hilt of his sword, but the man didn’t seem to notice, stopping at the edge of the bathwater. 

“Greetings, your highness,” he said. “I am doctor Barad, here to make sure you are free of any injury.” 

Logan relaxed slightly. Just a doctor. 

“I’m a little…ugh… busy right now,” Kaiden said. He squatted down lower, his face reddening as he pushed. Bubbles erupted from the water for a good twenty seconds. “And I’d rather have a private talk with my guard when I’m done than talk to a doctor.” 

Logan’s heart thudded hard in his chest. 

“It will take but a moment,” the doctor said. “It is your choice, my prince, but medicine is best not delayed.”

“Ugh…fine. But I guarantee you I’m fine. And I don’t need any medicine.” He eyed a packet the doctor had taken out of somewhere in his robes. “Any softener would be too late now anyway. I’m nearly finished.” 

“Very well.” The packet vanished back into the doctor’s robes. “Let me know when you’re done.” 

“Not very relaxing to have some doctor watching you.” Logan gave him a small smile when Kaiden met his eyes. His own guts squirmed with nervousness, though, at what Kaiden would expect from him. 

He had just wanted to be a guard. Why was it suddenly so complicated? 

“Alright.” Kaiden grit his teeth, cleaning himself up in the water and then emerging. Water streamed down his muscular thighs, and Logan looked away. Temptation right now was the last thing he needed. “Let’s get this exam over with.” 

To his credit, the doctor was quick. He poked and prodded at Kaiden for a few minutes, testing his balance and peering into his eyes more than Logan thought necessary. After a few questions about any aches or pains, he left them. 

“Finally,” Kaiden said. He looked to Logan. “Now, let’s—“ 

A knock came at the door. “For God’s sake,” Kaiden said, and he let loose with a long, loud fart before calling. “Come in!” 

“Greetings, your highness.” A servant poked his head in, then looked down at the floor. “The Duke’s men have apprehended one of the men who captured you. He wants to know if you would like to pass judgment or question him.” 

Kaiden let out an annoyed sigh that edged on a growl. “Hold him in the dungeons for a time. I have no interest in doing that right now. I wish to be left alone.” He turned and nodded. “Let’s go, Logan.” 

Logan didn’t know which was more frightening, the thought of having to watch Kaiden question a man who had tried to capture him or the thought of talking to Kaiden after what he had admitted. “Yes…Kaiden.” As Kaiden turned to put on clothes another servant had left out, he swore he saw the prince smile at the fact that Logan had finally learned to use his name and not title. He hoped that was a good sign. “Well today was a disaster,” Kaiden added once the servant left.

Not such a good sign then. “I’m—“ 

“Don’t.” Kaiden sat up, holding up on finger. “Don’t say you’re sorry. I don’t want to hear it. It wasn’t your fault.” 

With nothing else to say, Logan fell silent. Kaiden stared at him, and the silence was broken once by a low, droning fart. 

Logan felt like he would melt into a puddle of nerves. But it was clear Kaiden was waiting for him to say something. Anything. So he spoke. 

“What I feel for you is improper,” he said. 

“Why?” Kaiden jumped in, gesturing with a shake of his hand. “Explain it to me. Why is it improper?” 

“Because…” Logan paused when Kaiden farted again, and the prince rubbed his stomach with annoyance. It took some time until the prince was finished, and he motioned for Logan to go on. “Because I am a guard. You are a prince. Your station is…to someone like me…being with someone like you is unfathomable.” 

Kaiden shook his head with a frown. “Unfathomable? Why?” 

“Because…”Logan knew he was going in circles. His fists clenched, and he relaxed them with effort. Battle was so much easier than this. “I know it seems easy for you. You get whatever you want. You’re entitled to—you’re the prince. The bringer of the realm’s wealth. But I am just a man from the poorer quarters of the city. My only talent is swordplay, and I’m not even among the best. I don’t…I don’t deserve you.” 

Kaiden frowned. “You don’t deserve me? Is that all?” 

Logan felt like he had stepped into a trap when the prince stepped closer to him, scanning him up and down. “You know, I never showed you my prowess in dueling. How about we practice?” 

“I…me, practice, Kaiden? With you?” 

Kaiden laughed. “I do hope your skill with a saber is greater than your skill with words.” He moved to the door of the baths, and Logan followed. “Yes. You will practice with me.” He turned before opening the door, staring at Logan. “If you can beat me, I’ll tell you exactly how I feel about you.”

***  
The weaponsmaster of Elsten’s castle didn’t protest when Kaiden stormed in, Logan in tow, and chose two wooden swords off the rack. The practice ring was small compared to the ring at the palace, but Logan supposed in a castle dedicated mostly to luxury, that made sense. Kaiden moved wooden training dummies out of the way, and dust plumed as he formed a smaller circle with his foot. 

“Retreating out of here means you lose,” he said. Logan nodded, firming his grip on the wooden practice sword. It was so light it felt like it floated in his hand. 

“Alright. Just one moment.” Kaiden put his hand on his stomach and grimaced, crouching just slightly to ease out a long, blustery fart. “Ugh,” he said when the sound petered out. He kept rubbing his stomach, and began farting again. He bit his lower lip, his eyes narrowed in concentration as he forced out the gas. The sound cut off abruptly, and he bore down a few more times, his stomach and ass tightening, before he finally straightened with a grimace. It was clear he had some trapped wind. 

Logan knew better by now than to ask if he was alright. “Are you ready, Kaiden?” he said. 

Kaiden smiled, holding out his sword. “I’m glad you’ve finally learned the proper way to address me. You’d better do your best.” And then he lunged. 

Logan should have guessed from the first day he met him. Kaiden was taut and muscular, handsome and tall. And he didn’t come by it due to magic. He was fast and surefooted as he moved to strike Logan. 

The wooden swords thwacked together when Logan blocked the blow. Kaiden immediately pivoted and swung again, Logan twisting his wrist to intercept it. Kaiden fought like a duelist, leaping in and out, relying on fast footwork to get out of the range of Logan’s parries and to dart in to try again. 

This Logan understood. No fancy words, no constant second guessing what Kaiden might mean. Just the swings of a weapon and the slow understanding of how an opponent moved.

Logan relied on bladework to keep Kaiden at bay. The prince was faster, but weaker than Logan was, and not as well-practiced. His movements were a little too wide, and his parries a little too reliant on reflex to counter Logan’s swings. He was a prince at heart, used to rote technique to get his way and win his battles. 

Logan knew he could win. And as the realization dawned on him, there was no hesitation. He would win, Kaiden would tell him how he felt, and then he would go from there. No worrying, no constant fretting over what would happen. Battles worked in the moment, a knowledge of how one would win and then making it happen. 

Logan wanted to win. He wanted to know what Kaiden thought. 

He wanted Kaiden. 

He parried another of the prince’s quick jabs, harder than he had before. He caught the prince’s blade in a binding parry, Kaiden’s sword sliding along the edge of Logan’s. Logan stepped forward, then thwacked his sword on Kaiden’s shoulder. 

“You lose,” Logan said. Kaiden froze for a moment, his breathing coming fast. 

Then Kaiden tossed his sword to the side. “Good,” he said. “I knew you knew how to communicate. And I could tell I had no chance just from watching you fight those men before. You would have beaten me even if I hadn’t been cramping.” Kaiden rubbed his stomach again, then closed his eyes and bore down. A short fart boomed out of him, then stopped, and Kaiden sighed in frustration.

“Then why…” Logan frowned. “You were testing me again. If I had let you win…” 

“If you let me win, you wouldn’t have wanted to know how I felt. You would have been too afraid of the difference in our stations. And I would have released you from service.” Logan swallowed hard. “But you aren’t afraid any more, are you?” 

Logan just nodded. “I want to know. Please, Kaiden I told you how I feel.” 

Kaiden sighed, still rubbing his stomach. “I can’t marry. I’ve explained it to you before—any alliance with me would be too beneficial to the other family. The power needs to stay with the throne. I can’t even enter relationships with most people due to my status as a prince—the power needs to stay with the throne, and unless the person was absolutely, completely loyal, it’s too risky.” 

“That…that makes sense.” 

“And then of course there’s the farting.” Kaiden was still rubbing his stomach, and he vented another gust of wind with a grimace before continuing. “The only people who have ever put up with it are prostitutes or weird wizards. I’m a prince, and handsome, and people want me for the wealth I can bring. But I know better than to think passing huge amounts of gas every few minutes is something that can be overlooked.” As it to make his point, he grit his teeth and bore down again. His efforts were met with another short blort of a fart. “And if I’m not farting, I’m cramping up. Damn.” 

Logan moved closer, and Kaiden allowed it. The prince’s stomach was taut, but bloated and soft beneath his hand. It gurgled when he pressed on it, and he pushed hard. 

“Ooh…” Kaiden erupted with an enormous fart, the sound deafening. “Ooh. That felt nice. Can you…” He began to strain again, struggling to pass more gas.

“Of course,” Logan said, and he pushed again, the Prince’s stomach warm and bulbous, filled with thunderous gas. Kaiden groaned and strained, Logan pushing too, and then the fart burst out of the prince with long, sonorous blasts. It went on and on. Kaiden reached up and put one arm around Logan’s shoulder, leaning on him for support as he gave in to the flatulence. His stomach vibrated beneath Logan’s hand, and Logan kept pushing, helping the gas move in the proper direction. Kaiden just moaned and kept farting. The air around them warmed, Logan enveloped in Kaiden’s touch and gas and the sound of the fart. 

“Ooh…” Kaiden grunted and pressed his stomach against Logan’s hand, the fart changing in tone as it began to slow. “Finally. Hnngh…uughh…” The long fart became a series of short, airy bursts, interspersed with Kaiden’s grunts. Then even those dwindled into a last few short puffs, and Kaiden panted for a few moments. 

“That felt really fucking good,” Kaiden said when he finally finished. He looked up at Logan, his face flushed. “Holding all that shit before made me really bloated with gas. Let me just say one more thing before I have to do that again.” 

“Yes, Kaiden,” Logan said. 

“I’m a prince, and I’m supposed to get whatever I want. And want you,” Kaiden admitted. “Like you said, I care about you more than I should. More than a prince should care for a lowly guard. So when you were going to sacrifice yourself for me, die, for me…” He frowned. “I couldn’t stand it. I want to go down to the dungeons and condemn the man they’ve found to death, if only because of what he almost did to you. I want to condemn Callow to death for it too.” He tightened a fist. 

Logan frowned. That was the wedge that he didn’t know how to overcome. “I can’t not defend you, Kaiden,” he said. “Even if you weren’t a prince, I would defend you to the death.” 

Kaiden’s shoulders drooped. “I’ve always wanted a guard who doesn’t mind my farting, who cares about me beyond just duty,” Kaiden said. 

“I…I do,” Logan admitted again. 

“I’ve never had a guard like you before,” Kaiden said. “And I worry about losing you. The man I’ve always dreamed of.” 

Logan pulled him closer. He didn’t know what to say at first, so he just held him for a time until the words came. “Isn’t it better to have it while you can, and not worry about the future?” 

Kaiden sighed, his breath hot against Logan’s neck. “I’ve never had someone care for me like…like a lover, I guess. I would worry about what it means for the realm. I would worry about them only being with me for status. And of course I would worry about my farting driving them away.” 

“I… I don’t care about any of that,” Logan said. “I care about the realm, of course. I will always defend you, with my life if need be. But…” 

Kaiden smirked, and his eyes twinkled. “But with you, I know there’s no reason to worry about those things. I guess…maybe that’s enough. I can enjoy this while it lasts.” 

Logan’s heart swelled, and he didn’t even care that the prince farted loudly when he leaned down to kiss him. 

“Excuse me,” Kaiden said, waving a hand behind his rear. “You surprised me.” 

Logan smiled. “I don’t mind.” 

“Good. Then let’s go back to my room.” Kaiden’s smile grew wicked. “I know there’s ways you can make me feel good aside from making me fart.”


End file.
